Sex and Sexting

How to Be Naked and Unafraid

Sexting is a modern-day reality. Your teen has either sent a sext, received a sext, or knows someone who has. It’s awkward and even terrifying for parents to discuss their child’s sexuality. Yikes! You may be afraid you’ll give them ideas. News flash: God created us as sexual beings, and they already have ideas (plenty, actually). I would much rather you give them ideas than let their peers fill that void.

God designed our sexuality, and we need to be comfortable discussing sexual health in a developmentally appropriate way. This starts with toddlers being able to name their body parts. Preschoolers understand their body is private and know the boundaries of appropriate touch. School-aged children should know puberty basics and the importance of hygiene and self-care. Preteens should know the basic physical functions of reproduction. Teens should know the details about sexual and reproductive functions, including menstruation, erections, nocturnal emissions, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted infections. We should approach conversation with normalcy and body positivity.

Talking to your teens about sex shouldn’t be “the talk” but rather a series of talks. Give information in small, bite-sized pieces as opportunities present themselves and the need arises. Normalize conversation and you’ll be amazed at how many questions you’ll get, which makes your job much easier, as you simply serve as a guide on the side.

As we consider the messages our teens get from us about sex, think about the messages they get from the popular culture around them. Teen magazines and social influencers coach teens on how/when/where/what to sext as well as how to feel confident about it. It’s a normalized form of digital communication and a social norm in relationships. On the other hand, it’s potentially a criminal offense. How can we expect teens to navigate this kind of conflicting nuance?

You cannot underestimate the power of sexuality. Your teens are watching once “wholesome” child stars use it to transform their careers. Do you know why? Because it works. When your teen sexts, messages they hear are “You’re desirable, beautiful, confident, and strong.” Contrast that with messages we as parents give about sexting: “Ew!” “It’s trashy.” “That’s nasty.” “I’m glad you’re too smart to do that.” Which message do you think will win in the decision-making process? We have to leave a door open for grace. No one wants their teen to sext, but our kids aren’t perfect and neither are we. Leaving a door open encourages early disclosure before great harm. About a quarter of teens report feeling extremely upset, ashamed, or fearful after generating and exchanging sexts. Sexting can prompt symptoms of mental health concerns, especially when coercion, force, or nonconsensual behavior is involved. In my experience, most teens engaged in sexting aren’t talking to their parents or getting credible information, leaving them vulnerable, and by the time they disclose to an adult, harm has already occurred. As parents, we all want our kids to be safe.

When your child was young, did you ever lose them in a public place? That feeling of panic is awful. On my first outing alone with all four kids (all ages seven and under at the time), I turned my back for an instant at a museum and my three-year-old was gone. To say I lost my mind is an understatement. It turns out he wandered away with a tour group, and a museum worker had him in her office. Was my emotion relief in that moment of finding him? For a nanosecond. But irrational anger at a three-year-old quickly followed. I told him not to let go of the stroller. Why did he do that?! That same anger applies to feelings about your teen’s safety risk in the moment of discovery or disclosure. When you step into your teen’s world and see what they’re facing, cultivate empathy and be prepared with a response seasoned with grace. Anytime a teen discloses sexting to you, they’re coming to you from a place of hurt. They need comfort first.

Parents, if you have teens who have sexted or had prior sexual relationships in their teen years and your heart hurts for something they experienced in the course of that, go find them, and tell them they’re amazing and wonderful and you’re confident in the optimism of their future. They need you to see them outside the singular lens of their sexual experience. Many will have lifetime consequences they already have to live with, like a nude photo popping up at some point in the future or an STI that could impact fertility. They need grace and help reclaiming their dignity and self-worth if they feel it’s lost. Speak up on their behalf when needed. Affirm your unconditional love. Share God’s unconditional love with them.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. (Ephesians 2:8)

We all make mistakes, but Jesus died on a cross so that we could know grace and forgiveness for our sins. Show your teens the love of Jesus.

Respond

Have you received God’s saving grace? Explain your salvation experience.

Have you shared with your teen the sacrifice and forgiveness of Jesus?

Prayer

Gracious God, provide the opportunity for me to talk with my teen about the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ.