Our Keys to Healthier Communication in MarriageНамуна

TAKE TIME OUT WHEN EMOTIONS GET HEATED  

Tam: When the water starts boiling, I’ve learned to back away and take a break. In preschool, they call it “taking a time-out.” When a child is misbehaving or a conflict gets to an uncontrollable point, the teacher invites the child to time-out. The goal is to breathe, collect themselves, and approach the situation differently. 

In our marriage, I’ve learned the importance of time-outs. Some days I just need to go shopping. Some days, David needs to go swimming. After we take time to breathe and think about how we are truly feeling, we can continue the conversation and grow from the disagreement. 

My momma used to say, “It’s not always what you say – it’s how you say it.” When I take a time-out, I can replay the scenario in my mind and ask myself what I could’ve done differently. I can pray for David to better understand how I am feeling and ask God to give me the right words so that I am not doing more harm than good. 

A time-out from your heated argument is like a commercial break—you know the show is going to come back on, but you have time to grab a snack and come on back. When we didn’t take time-outs in the past, our arguments went on and on. We didn’t have a clear perspective on what the other person was feeling. But by removing ourselves from the situation for a moment, we can approach it differently when we reconnect.

David: Tam is a yeller. She uses her voice to get her point across, and when she doesn’t think she is being heard, she will yell louder. I am a thinker, so I use my mind to argue with words, expressions, and concepts that may feel like a piercing weapon to my wife. The tools God gave us to build us up are also the weapons that destroy us when we don’t argue the right way. Tam’s voice is her tool. My communication skills are a tool. If I want to be successful in my marriage, I’ve got to learn to never turn my tool into a weapon. 

These are things we now know about each other. But taking a break to breathe has helped us not to major on a minor. Sometimes words get lost in anger. Sometimes our true love can be hidden in hurtful expressions. But I have learned to measure my words with grace. 

Couples, whenever you feel the emotions getting hotter and hotter, someone has to be the voice of reason. Healing can’t come in a hostile environment. In order to bring healing, you may need to take a time-out. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  Of the two of you, which spouse has the greatest temper? 

2.  How can you help each other not to explode during a difficult moment?

3.  If a soft answer turns away wrath, how well do you do with speaking softly? What can you do to improve?