Our Keys to Healthier Communication in MarriageНамуна

STICK WITH THE KEY ISSUES

Tam: Whenever I find myself in a heated conversation with David, I try my best to stick to the issue at hand. The issue was about tuna on the surface, but the real reason we were arguing was because I didn’t feel as if David appreciated my sacrifice of love. I didn’t feel seen, heard, or valued. I felt, in that moment, that David was being selfish and inconsiderate, and that was the issue. After a hard day at work I needed to feel appreciated. I wanted some affection. I was hoping he would greet me and hug me and ask me how my day was. But David was hungry, and rightfully so. The custom of our home is to eat at a certain time, and I did not call to let him know I was coming home later than expected. I could’ve easily pulled over, called him, and notified him of my late arrival. He would’ve then known to fix something to satisfy his hunger, and when I arrived at home, we both would’ve been able to react to the situation differently. The issues of our argument were about appreciation, consideration, and communication. Anything else was out of bounds. 

David: I, too, take ownership of my inconsideration in that moment. I have always considered myself a very considerate person, but that day, I was more concerned with filling my stomach than filling Tam’s love tank. From that, I learned to communicate how much I appreciate her sacrifices. I’ve learned to be more present when she comes home and not flustered or distracted by other things. Now that Tam and I have made a commitment to stick with the issue, our words are no longer weapons. Our words do not break each other down. Instead they build each other up. 

When I use arguments as an opportunity to bring up past issues from Tam’s family, I bruise my spouse with my words. Each time I bring up something that has nothing to do with the situation, I hurt her in ways that could possibly damage her for a lifetime. I learned to change the tone of my voice and the topic of my conversation, to never humiliate or embarrass her because she is my prize, to never belittle her because she is my treasure. Instead I need to stick to the issue and ask her how that issue made her feel.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  Do you stick to the issue when you argue, or does the argument open up to other things?

2.  How can you rectify that today?