Our Keys to Healthier Communication in MarriageНамуна

COMMITTED TO COMMUNICATE WELL

It still amazes me whenever I hear people say that our marriage has inspired them, but our marriage only works because we are committed to working through the difficult moments. We are committed to communicate in a way that honors one another and doesn’t diminish each other. But that has taken time. It takes time to shift from arguing to be right into communicating to be understood.

Communication has been the binding force of our marriage. When we communicate respectfully, it improves our intimacy, joy, and connection. But when we press each other’s buttons, cut each other off in the middle of a sentence, and raise our voices at each other, it interrupts our marital flow. 

We’ve had our share of arguments, but the one that takes the cake is the argument that happened over a tuna fish sandwich. You read that right – over a tuna fish sandwich. 

It was a regular day in the Mann residence. We had only been married for a few years, and Tam was working at Pearle Express. That particular day Tam had worked an incredibly long shift, and as is the custom in our home, Tam usually prepares dinner every night while I help to clean up afterward. Well, Tam was nowhere to be found, and it was dinnertime. I would’ve made a meal to hold me over, but I assumed Tam was coming home immediately after work. When Tam finally got home, I asked her where she had been all day. She told me she made a quick stop to the grocery store, so I sat back and waited to smell fresh peppers and onions sizzling over a succulent steak. My mouth was watering in anticipation of an amazing five-course meal, but to my surprise Tam walked into the bedroom with a tuna fish sandwich. 

“Instead of me cooking a big meal tonight, let’s do tuna and chips,” Tam murmured. 

I reluctantly obliged. If I had wanted a five-course meal, I should’ve prepared it for Tam when she got home, not the other way around. So I relented. I bit into the sandwich and it was good, but something was missing. Before I could collect myself and rearrange my words, I blurted out, “Did you put relish on this sandwich?”

Tam turned around and gave me the look of death. In a high soprano, she replied that she was tired and took her time to serve me and how could I have the nerve to ask for something when I could’ve gotten the relish myself?

She had a valid point. But instead of hearing what she was really trying to say – David, honey, I feel unappreciated – I clapped back. “Well, you are tired, but I’ve been home all day and all night waiting for you to come home! You obviously don’t care about me or the kids because if you did, you would’ve at least come home a little earlier.” 

An hour later, we had ripped each other to shreds, arguing about stuff that had nothing to do with the tuna sandwich. We brought up unaddressed issues that had been lying dormant in our relationship for years, and we had no referee to stop us. 

Our original argument was about my simple request to have more relish on my tuna sandwich. Tam felt unappreciated, and I felt like my request wasn’t a big deal. But because we both were tired and irritable, we let a small issue turn into a big issue. 

When we think back on that senseless argument, we can’t help but ask, Was it worth it? Did we really need to raise our voices or storm out? What was lying beneath the surface of our frustration? One argument over a tuna fish sandwich taught us seven lessons that we now consider as we work to practice better communication with one another. 

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US?

Dear God, Thank you for the beauty and blessing of marriage. Thank you for walking with us through the good days and carrying us through the bad days. Help us remember the big picture. Forgive us if we ever used an argument to belittle or humiliate our spouse. Teach us how to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Help us to learn how to apologize when we’re wrong. We will remember that one bad day does not have to turn into a bad life. Strengthen us through hard conversations. Grant us peace during difficult seasons. We trust you to heal every hurting marriage right now. In Jesus’ name, amen.