Missional FriendshipSample

Day 6 - Building Friendship Through Trust

I had a woman in our church who told me that she “tested people” to see if they were safe. She would share something with them and wait to see if it became a source of gossip, where the friend would share with others. If they passed the test, she would slowly let them into her circle of relationships.

You may not be as bold and intentional as this woman, but you do have some type of safety radar you use to evaluate relationships. If you are a leader, people can have all kinds of ulterior motives for wanting to have relationship with you, especially if you are a leader. They have an agenda and it isn’t revealed. When this happens enough, we put up the barriers of trust because we don’t feel safe around others. It doesn’t take long in leadership to be deeply hurt or betrayed by a close relationship.

In working with leaders around the world, one of the dynamics I have seen over and over is that older senior leaders distrust younger leaders, believing they are trying to take away their position and power. This can become so bad that the senior leader will undermine any other leader they see as a threat. It is a destructive and tragic dynamic in Kingdom work, undermining the development of leaders and the impact of the Kingdom.

Missional friendships are intentional in creating an environment that fosters honesty and safety. Trust is essential to authentic friendship. But we have to take the risks of trusting others to have any chance for the beauty of friendship. The Bible is full of stories of broken trust that wounds deeply. And there is no greater example of this than Judas’ betrayal of Jesus.

If even Jesus wasn’t exempt from betrayal and difficulty in his friendships, what makes you think your experience is going to be different? This doesn’t mean we are foolish in our friendships. But the only pathway to not being hurt or disappointed is…isolation and loneliness.

One of the ways to create trust is through a commitment to confidentiality. There is an explicit agreement that whatever is shared will not be shared with anyone else apart from explicit permission by the person who shared it.

C.S. Lewis makes clear what the alternative to the vulnerability of trust is:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis from The Four Loves.

Questions to Consider:

• What wounds are you carrying that are inhibiting your willingness and ability to be in authentic, trusting friendships?
• Who do you need to forgive so you can be free to engage in authentic friendship with others?

Action to Take:

• Share with a friend a wound you are carrying and ask them to pray with you for healing.

Prayer to Make:

• Ask God to reveal the wounds you are still carrying that are keeping you from trusting others. Pray for a leader that the Holy Spirit brings to your mind to experience healing from the hurts of misunderstandings and betrayal.