When a Friendship Falls ApartSýnishorn

Flipping the Script

I’m not sure which evil Satan finds more delightful: tearing friends apart or using the aftermath to cripple us with insecurity and shame or to shackle us with chains of bitterness and cynicism. Why would he settle for just a friendship breakup when he can also destroy our peace in the process? Two for the price of one!

Sometimes, a faltering friendship makes us come to terms with our own blind spots, insecurities, and quirks. Acknowledging those issues can be positive if it leads us to grow and change; however, we have to guard against spiraling down into damaging kinds of regret and shame. The way we talk to ourselves aboutourselves matters. The words we choose can either hamstring us or empower us.

We must guard against extreme thoughts like these: This is all my fault … I’m the worst friend ever … I’ll never build a healthy friendship. We must identify thoughts that exaggerate our flaws, shoulder too much blame, and predict permanent failure in future friendships. From there, we can “flip the script” on those thoughts.

As a recovering perfectionist and guilty soul, I must acknowledge weakness and mistakes in ways that leave me feeling empowered instead of paralyzed. I’ve learned to flip the script, using tough truths as springboards to transformation. So, for example, I might take the thought: This is all my fault and turn it into a more fair-minded analysis, like so: I contributed to this conflict, and my friend did too. We both need to take responsibility for our part.

Some of us take too much responsibility, while others of us err on the other side, pointing the finger at our friend without taking an honest look at our own weaknesses. Again, we have to flip the script. Instead of thinking, This is all her fault; it’s wise to step back and try to see the situation (and ourselves) from the other person’s perspective. From there, we may be able to flip the script and say, Yes, she did things that hurt me, but my words and behaviors weren’t perfect either. We both hurt each other, and I take responsibility for my part.

And can I encourage you? Even if you look back and recognize that you made big mistakes in your friendship, your breakup doesn’t have to be the end of your story. You aren’t done growing. Philippians 3:12-14 encourages us to leave the past behind and push toward growth in the future. The things you are learning can make you an even better friend in the future. Now you get the chance to be different. You have God and the Spirit on your side, eager to help you grow.