The Marriage Talks Part 3 | CovenantSýnishorn

Day 5 | Song of Songs 2:7 | Why Wait? (And other questions on sex)

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Hello Through the Word friends and welcome back to The Marriage Talks. We left off last time talking about… Well, we were talking about sex. Which, as we learned yesterday, is indeed a holy word. And in marriage, sex is a clean word. I hope that hit home for all of you. 

Sometimes in church we focus so much on purity before marriage, it starts to feel like all sex is dirty. It is clean. If you’re married, you are free to enjoy it. But there are still a lot of questions to cover here. Like what are the rules before marriage? And what about all the sex in music, movies, and TV? What’s okay to watch? And what if our past isn’t clean? How do we deal with that now? 

Now I will not attempt to provide thorough answers to all those challenging topics in under ten minutes, but I will attempt to get the conversation started with a good foundation biblically. Sex is a complex issue in so many ways, so I encourage you to talk it through together with grace and compassion. Remember that all we’ve learned thus far still applies. And once again, our verse in Hebrews:

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…” (Hebrews 13:4).

That purity is core to all of this. So let’s talk first about our entertainment choices, and the culture that does not honor marriage, nor care much for keeping the marriage bed pure. What’s okay to watch and what isn’t? Well, the Bible won’t answer that directly, and sorry but neither will I. You’re adults. Make your own decisions, and I won’t judge you. But I will give you some direction. Ephesians 5:3 says this:

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving” (Ephesians 5:3-4).

Now this isn’t about being a prude, and please don’t go judging other people for what they watch. The focus here is recognizing that you are holy. God set you apart. Again, I do not want to tell you exactly where to draw your lines of right and wrong in what you watch or hear. Your boundaries are up to you, but having no boundaries is dangerous. And I do want to help you measure the price you pay when you fail to keep them. Honoring marriage means recognizing the value of what you are risking when you don’t keep your mind clean. When you hear one crude joke after another, and absorb movies with couples jumping in and out of bed like it’s nothing, it affects the way you think about sex. It dishonors marriage, by treating it as worthless, and it defiles sex, by treating it as common. That’s the dirty part. 

And it’s a big loss. You’re ruining sex! I mean, if you told jokes that defiled ice hockey, we’d be like: Well, you ruined hockey. Maybe some Canadians are upset, but no big loss. But this is sex we’re talking about! It’s valuable. Protect it! You don’t have to be a prude, just honor marriage, and keep the marriage bed pure. 

So what does that mean before marriage? Well, the Bible tells us repeatedly not to commit sexual immorality, to flee from it in fact. And most scholars through most of Christian history have read that to mean: no sex before marriage, no adultery during marriage. The King James calls it fornication. Now there are some who argue that our practices should change with the times, or that the church misinterpreted that word all along. I will leave that argument for others. And I’m not here to judge anyone, but I would like to help you see the purpose in waiting for marriage. The waiting keeps your future marriage bed pure. And much more than that, it tests and proves your commitment, and sanctifies your will. 

Think about it. Women, how do you know the man you love will have the self-control to resist the temptation of every other woman for a lifetime? It’s a long time. Let him prove it with the self-control to resist you through the engagement. You are his biggest temptation to sin. Let him prove that he can resist. My buddy’s wife told me, “When he waited for the wedding day, I knew that I could trust him.” And the same goes for women. Prove your commitment. Prove that you can keep it, through real sacrifice, and real self-control. It’s powerful. 

Three times Song of Songs breaks from the sexy talk to issue a warning to the young:

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (SOS 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).

That repetition is meant to drive it home, don’t stir it up before God’s timing. Now this is not meant to be a guilt trip. Remember, God heals broken people and He forgives sins. But for today, know that there is a purpose in waiting. It’s difficult for a reason. It’s a sacrifice. Before marriage, you honor marriage and prove your commitment by waiting and keeping your heart sealed. In marriage, you seal your covenant by keeping your marriage bed pure. 

So what is allowed and what isn’t before marriage? Again, the Bible doesn’t draw precise lines. So, you have to be mature enough to decide on your own. I picture it like this. Imagine a big hill, and you’re standing at the top. At the bottom of the hill, there’s a line you don’t want to cross called sex before marriage. Now you can argue all you want about where God’s legal line is exactly. Is kissing okay? Home alone? In the car alone? But the reality is that whole hillside is as slippery as soap bubbles on a slip-n-slide. Forget the line at the bottom. The whole thing is dangerous. And stepping farther than you wanted too will cost you and hurt the one you love far more than you imagined. So you better decide where your line is way before you stand up top looking down. And the respect that you show for their boundaries now is how you prove that you will respect them in marriage. 

Now if you’ve already gone over that line, remember, Jesus forgives and Jesus heals. But he also says: 

“Go, and from now on, sin no more” (John 8:11 ESV).

So take this second chance to start again and make a new commitment. One crucial suggestion to help you on this difficult challenge: each of you ask someone, not each other, to keep you accountable. 

Now that doesn’t mean, that if you wait, sex will be perfect and problem free in marriage. Sex is complicated for everyone, and every married couple has to communicate and talk it through, to understand their likes and dislikes, to appreciate needs, and respect past hurts. I’m not going to cover all that here because the Bible doesn’t get into that detail. But the Bible does give you a good foundation, like unity, love, respect, and covenant. And it has some good guidelines for the conversation. You know the drill: speak with grace, listen with humility, and no shaming. So with that, here are your discussion questions for today.

For Thought & Discussion:

Question #1: Do you think that the media you choose to consume affects your marriage? If so, what boundaries do you want to set, and how can you keep your standards without becoming judgmental of those who keep different standards?

Question #2 for the pre-marital couples: You started this yesterday. Now it’s time to get precise. What is your sexual commitment before marriage? Set clear boundaries and decide how you will keep it. My advice again: each of you choose a friend who will keep you accountable. 

Question #2 for the married couples: I’m guessing that most of you probably have some things you’ve wanted to talk about for a while now. And that might take more time. So, start with this: each of you write down one or two things that you would like to have a good, grace-filled conversation about regarding the marriage bed. Then if the other is ready for that conversation, set a time for it, and talk it through. 

And that’s it. I’ll see you next time!

Read Hebrews 13:4, Ephesians 5:3-4, Song of Songs 2:7

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.