The Marriage Talks Part 3 | CovenantSýnishorn

Day 4 | Song of Songs 4:9-16 | Sex 

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Hey friends! Welcome back to The Marriage Talks, Kris Langham with you again. We return today to the subject of holiness. I know, I have once again picked one of the least sexy terms for our marriage study. But don’t judge too quickly. When it comes to marriage, holiness is definitely a sexy word. Or better put, sex is a holy word. Now don’t get confused. Remember that in the Bible, holy does not mean religious or churchy. Holy means set apart, or made sacred for a special purpose. Sex is definitely set apart, and God made it for a special purpose. For one, it’s how human beings are created. That’s pretty special. Amazing really. (And a little weird). But we all know there’s more to it. So let’s see what the Bible says. Hebrews 13:4:

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…” (Hebrews 13:4).

Honored means that marriage should be held as something of great price and value. Your marriage is worth more than all the money you will earn in your entire life. Do you treat it that way? 

“…and the marriage bed kept pure…” (Hebrews 13:4).

Marriage bed means sex, and kept pure means undefiled. God made sex good and clean and holy. Don’t mess it up. Why? Because your marriage is worth so much. Honor it. Set it apart from all the dirt and filth of life so that it stays pure and clean. 

But what does that have to do with covenant? Remember that covenants were often marked with a seal. The seal protects the covenant. Today, marriage is commonly sealed with a pair of rings, a reminder in everything you put your hand to that you committed yourself to a set of promises, that you are in covenant. But in the Bible, and in many cultures across many faiths, the seal of marriage is far more personal. All the way back at the creation of marriage in Genesis 2, and repeated in Matthew 19, Mark 10, and Ephesians 5:

“…the two will become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).

And 1st Corinthians 6 makes it clear, that “one flesh” statement is a reference to sex. When we say that a marriage is consummated, it’s a reference to sex as the seal of the marriage covenant. And it’s a powerful one. Do not underestimate the power of sex.

Even movies recognize the power of sex to seal a relationship. Every screenwriter knows the one surefire way to tell the audience that this relationship is for real is a sex scene. And if the writer wants to tell you that the relationship is deeply broken, one of them cheats. So they understand the power of sex to seal or break a relationship. The part they don’t seem to get is how to keep that seal holy. And it can’t very well protect a relationship if we don’t respect it. 

Now don’t miss this. In the Bible, sex is clean. Hebrews says keep it pure because it is pure. The thing that makes a dirty joke dirty, is not the sex. It’s taking what is holy and clean, sex, and making it common and unclean. 

Leviticus reminds us repeatedly to:

“…distinguish between the holy and the common, between the unclean and the clean” (Leviticus 10:10).

Sex is clean. Dragging it through the mud of your crude jokes, that’s dirty. You can joke and laugh and have fun with sex all you want within your marriage. It’s clean. And let’s face it, it’s kinda funny. So be free, have fun, you’re married! It’s all clean. Historically, some churches have added extra rules about what was allowable in the marriage bed, positions and such they considered holy. I don’t know why they made those restrictions, but they’re not in the Bible. And the Bible does not directly address contraception or masturbation, so those topics require wisdom and careful consideration. Hebrews simply calls you to keep the marriage bed pure. Keep it set apart and clean, and don’t let the dirt of the world get in.

In Song of Songs chapter 4, the husband is absolutely captivated by his bride:

“…you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace” (Song of Songs 4:9b).

The captivating nature of love is an important theme in the book. And as he describes her body… well, I won’t go into detail. Let’s just say he enjoys her, and she enjoys him. Yet in everything they say, through every chapter, there is an exclusivity to that enjoyment. As the wife says:

“My beloved is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies” (Song of Songs 2:16).

He tells her: 

“You are a garden locked up… a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain” (Song of Songs 4:12).

In other words, she protects her goods. She keeps everyone out. Keeps it holy. But once they’re married, she says to him:

“Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (Song of Songs 4:16b). 

I’m… gonna stop there. The idea is: keep your garden under lock and key. And when you’re married, you trade keys. 

Now the topic of sex is way too complex to address every issue here. You will spend a lifetime in marriage learning and working through issues, some wonderful and some very difficult. But I do want to give you a small start biblically. So first off, all the stuff we’ve learned already applies in the bedroom. The foundations of marriage: two become one, humility to consider your spouse more important than yourself, love and respect in their language, honest communication… it all applies here. So don’t switch over to selfish mode when you hop into bed. Remember 1st Corinthians 7:4:

“The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:4).

What a fantastic statement of equality and balance. You belong together, and you belong to one another. The husband is not in charge of the bedroom, and neither is the wife. You both have authority, and you both yield! Again, there is no forcing against the will, but there is yielding, and it goes both ways. Now that relationship requires trust and respect. Trust your spouse with your own body, and respect the value of what has been entrusted to you. And communicate! Talk things through. And to help you with that, here are your discussion questions. 

For Thought & Discussion:

Question #1: In Hebrews 13, what do you think it means to honor marriage and keep the marriage bed pure? What are some practical ways that you can do that in this stage of your relationship?

Question #2 for the pre-marital couples: What is your sexual commitment before marriage? Meaning what are you saving for marriage and what purpose do you think the waiting serves in your relationship? We’ll continue this one next time, but go ahead and get started.

Question #2 for married couples: What do you think 1st Corinthians 7 means that you each have authority over the other’s body? How do you work that out practically in light of all you’ve learned about unity, humility, love, and respect? 

That’s all for today. Go ahead and read today’s Bible passages and get talking.

Read Hebrews 13:4 & Song of Songs 4:9-16

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.