Rebuilding A Marriage Better Than NewÀpẹrẹ

Expectations. We all have them. And because we have them, we all typically experience disappointment. Because what we expect doesn’t always line up with reality. 

What has it been for you? Did you have lofty dreams of how your marriage would be? We fall into this expectation trap in our relationships all the time. We expect someone to do something for us at a specific time or in a specific setting. Sometimes we expect them to do it because they said they would. Other times we place expectations on them because they play a certain role in our lives and, well, they should just know. The problem is, we didn’t tell them.

I have found four transformative ways to help us go from disappointment to encouragement in our marriages when it comes to expectations:

Let your spouse off the hook. You have placed expectations on your spouse that he or she will never be able to meet. You are expecting them to meet your every need and desire. This is completely unrealistic. Flip the scenario. Would you like for your spouse to expect perfection from you? I didn’t think so.

When you do have realistic expectations, tell your spouse. Don’t expect him or her to read your mind. Just talk to your spouse about what you expect and what you need. And allow him or her to tell you how realistic or unrealistic that is. 

Surrender your expectations for your life, your marriage, your family and your future to God. We expect and desire good things in our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. But we hold on to those ideals, often with white knuckles, and we don’t want to let them go. Though all along, God is saying, “Trust me with your dreams. I have something so much better than what you are holding on to.” God has our best interests in mind. Doesn’t it make sense to turn over our dreams to him?

Become a student of your spouse. Study them. Get to know them better than you think you do. Learn how they think. And learn what their needs are and how they feel loved.

Expectations in and of themselves are not bad. But we do have to manage them, be realistic about them and surrender them to God. 

Food for thought: Think about a time recently when your spouse disappointed you. What happened? Was your expectation realistic?