When Your Marriage Isn't What You Thought It Would BeНамуна

Day 4: Expectations Debunked

"When we have children, I want to stop working and be an at-home mom." "When I get married, I want my spouse to cook for us three times a week." "I hate feeling alone. I want my partner and I to always be together after work and on weekends."

Do any of these sound familiar? If not, what did you have in mind for your marriage beforehand? Was it a lifestyle you expected? Or, maybe you expected your spouse to do certain things for and with you. I wanted my spouse with me all the time after I left work. I expected us to spend time together after work and on the weekends. Realistically, that didn't work for our schedule or work life. It caused significant issues in the beginning. We started counseling and made a plan that fit his needs and mine. It was hard for me not to get all I wanted, but it wasn't just about me, but him and us.

Expectations can cause significant issues in a marriage. It's important to voice what you desire rather than to demand it. Did you tell your spouse these desires before you got married? Have you voiced how you feel now and what you would like? Talk. There is a theory called the Expectancy Violations Theory. This theory explains that anytime something is done or not done to us that is expected or unanticipated that violates social norms or our expectations, we have an emotional response that is more extreme than usual (Littlejohn & Foss, 2009). Why? Because we expected it. However, if you didn't expect it, you may have a response, but it won't be so intense to cause conflict or disappointment.

Let the expectations go. Can you express your needs? Of course! But don't expect it. This puts a lot of pressure on your partner. Discuss your needs, see where you can accommodate each other, and give it time to change.

Most importantly, allow God to unfold your marriage's purpose and create a harmonious marriage. When we ask God to see our spouse through His eyes, it will enable us to see their heart and intentions. Helping us realize that often, what they are or are not doing isn't intentional. They are just learning who you are, just as you are learning who they are. Be patient with each other and allow your love and marriage to develop into all God destined it to be.

Reflection:

What expectations do you need to let go of? What pressures has your spouse placed on you in the marriage? Was it frustrating for you? How can you view your spouse from God's perspective to be more patient with them?

Stephen W. Littlejohn, Karen A. Foss, editors. (2009). Encyclopedia of communication theory. Thousand Oaks, Calif.:Sage,