I Stayed: Healing Past Hurt, Betrayal & InfidelityChikamu

They’re More Than What They Did

Alrighty! Put on your seat belts because we’re about to go for a ride. I purposefully saved this topic for last because, for some, it may be a hard pill to swallow. One of the hardest places for me to get was to a place where I could forgive my husband and the person with whom he had an affair. It helped when it came to forgiving my husband, as I mentioned before, that God sent a stranger to me to tell me, “Don’t divorce your husband.” But I found that forgiving the person he had an affair with was a little more difficult.

I knew what the Bible said about forgiveness, but every time I thought about what happened, I got angry all over again. I had thoughts of publicly embarrassing her and making her pay for her involvement in everything. At the end of the day, it was my husband’s responsibility to be loyal to our marriage, not hers, but I was still angry with her because she was my friend, and I expected my friend to have a sense of loyalty to me as well. As anger grew in my heart, I knew I was out of line. God said in His Word, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” You see, the more nights that go by where you’re angry and won’t forgive, the more bitterness grows and hardens your heart, which is the complete opposite of the fruit of the Spirit. God also said that IF we forgive others, He will also forgive us. I knew in my heart that this situation was not worth God not forgiving me.

I was fighting hard to do what His Word said, but the thoughts of what happened were aggressively rushing at me. I already knew that forgiveness was for me, and my forgiving didn’t mean that I was saying that what she did was okay. Instead, my forgiving meant that I deserved to be free from the situation. I deserved to be able to sleep at night. I deserved to not feel anxiety every time I saw her. I deserved to be free.

I took it to God and told him, “Father, I need your help with this one. I want to be obedient to what you’ve asked me to do, but I need your help.” I heard God clearly tell me, “She’s not what she did. She’s more than what she did.” I stopped and thought about those statements for a moment. I acknowledge that what she did was wrong, but just like God has redeemed me, God could redeem her as well. Just like I’m more than my mistakes, so was she.

God’s Word tells us to pray for our enemies, so from there, I began to pray for her. I prayed for her health, her finances, her family, her emotions, her mental health, her well-being, etc. I did this because how can you hate someone you’re praying for? Me praying for her did not mean that I wanted to reconcile and become friends again because I most definitely did not.

Me praying for her did not mean that I believed I owed her anything because I knew wholeheartedly that I did not. However, my praying for her was me taking her out of my place of offense and back into the place she belongs, in the safety of God’s arms. When I initially refused to forgive, God asked me, “Are you a believer or not? Are you a doer of the Word? Are you a follower of my Word, or not?” It was at that moment that I realized that I couldn’t pick and choose which parts of His Word I wanted to follow.

Now don’t get me wrong, we all have moments where we may struggle with something God is telling us to do. Even Elijah struggled with fear when word got back to him that Jezebel was going to kill him. Even though he had seen the power of God many times before, he ran for his life and prayed God would let him die. What he faced seemed too much to bear. Later God asked him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” Sometimes we allow what we’re going through to take us to places we were never supposed to go and to do things we were never supposed to do. Don’t cause God to have to ask you, “What are you doing here?”

Don’t be outwitted by Satan. God’s Word says in 2 Corinthians, “Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.” His designs are to keep you bound, even when you don’t realize it because if you don’t realize it then you won’t change and become free. Forgive. Forgive so you can live. You deserve freedom. They’re more than what they did.

Read and meditate on today’s scriptures and spend time journaling your thoughts and feelings. Conclude your thoughts with a life statement where you speak life to your situation. For example, "Today I’m feeling broken, but I will not always feel this way."

Keep fighting. You will grow, you will overcome, and you will heal past hurt, betrayal, and infidelity.