Thrive: Building Stronger Marriages . . . TogetherSample

The Gift of Forgiveness

On your wedding day, you and your spouse were convinced that you loved each other so much you could overlook almost any imperfections. It became a different story once you had to live with each other’s imperfections day after day. That’s why couples need to learn to forgive.

There’s a lot of confusion about forgiveness. So, before we talk about what it is, let’s talk about what it isn’t. 

The phrase “forgive and forget” is well-meaning but inaccurate. Sure, some of the wrongs we forgive should and will be forgotten, but forgiveness doesn’t cause amnesia. Don’t let your inability to instantly forget an offense stop you from forgiving it. 

What if you still feel angry, hurt, or confused? Does that mean you haven’t forgiven? No. The path to emotional healing is to forgive now and heal later. 

Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook or condoning bad behavior. Asking for change and restitution isn’t inappropriate, but it’s also not a prerequisite in order for you to extend forgiveness. 

Forgiveness isn’t pretending you weren’t hurt. It’s not letting the hurt settle into the background as time goes on.

Scripture uses two phrases to paint a picture of the forgiveness we received when Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our sins. First, forgiveness is the canceling of a debt—the extension of grace. Second, it is a pardon from a crime—the release of an obligation. When we trust in Jesus as our Savior, grace is extended, and we’re released from the obligation of the debt of our sin. Receiving forgiveness from God is amazing. It’s also amazing when a husband and wife decide to give each other the gift of forgiveness. 

Forgiving others can be costly and difficult. It doesn’t come naturally. But in light of God’s forgiveness, learning to forgive others is possible. In fact, God expects us to forgive. It’s vital for any healthy relationship—especially marriage. 

When you respond to your spouse’s request for forgiveness, you’re acting as a steward of the forgiveness God extended to you. Ask God for the strength and the desire to choose to forgive. It’s your choice, and you’re capable of forgiving. But remember that accepting your spouse’s apology and granting forgiveness is only the beginning of the process. You’ll have to choose to forgive each time the thing that hurt you comes to mind. . . and each time it happens again. (Your spouse isn’t going to be perfect.) When you forgive, you’re making a promise to never use the issue against your spouse. You’re committing to not letting it be a barrier between you.