Thrive: Building Stronger Marriages . . . TogetherSample

Desires or Demands?

Before marrying, we all had ideas about what married life would be like. We played out scenarios in our heads and spent our dating lives mulling desires in the backs of our minds. When we married, we made our spouses responsible for fulfilling those desires. “I do” was barely out of our mouths when we placed the burden of our needs on our spouses’ shoulders. 

That burden set our spouses and our marriages up for failure. Eventually, our desires became demands, and that’s when problems arise. What was once, “I hope our marriage…” became, “You promised to…” Demanding that your spouse meet your needs is a recipe for disaster. 

When our desires become demands or expectations, our marriage relationships begin to resemble contractual partnerships. In a contract marriage, promises are made, and both husband and wife look to each other to keep those promises. In that kind of marriage, everything is okay as long as husbands and wives do what’s expected of them—what they owe. But when they miss a payment, the penalties can be swift and severe. After all, contracts don’t often include clauses stipulating grace and forgiveness. 

The opposite of a contract marriage is a covenant marriage. In a covenant marriage, both husband and wife put the other’s needs first. Each spouse is committed to loving the other unconditionally and without demands. That’s the kind of love God shows us—the kind he has designed to be the fuel for thriving marriages. 

Unfortunately, not every marriage is a covenant marriage. And even in covenant marriages, it’s impossible for husbands and wives to completely meet each other’s needs. 

If we have God-given needs our spouses can’t meet, what can we do? Ignore those needs? Pretend they don’t exist? Suppress our desires in an attempt to be selfless? Should we just abandon the hopes and dreams we brought with us into marriage? In a letter written to the early church, the apostle Peter offers a different solution: 

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6–7) 

God didn’t design your marriage so your spouse would meet all of your needs. Your spouse will meet some of your needs, but only God can meet all of them. His plan is for you to depend solely upon him. 

In thriving marriages, each spouse trusts God to meet their needs without making demands of the other. Your desires and dreams will always matter to God, even when they don’t seem to matter to your spouse. Bring them to God, and you’ll find that he gives you the strength and grace to carry on.