Thrive: Building Stronger Marriages . . . TogetherSample

Family of Origin

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” “He’s a chip off the old block.” “Like mother, like daughter.” “Like father, like son.” These may be clichés, but sayings become clichés for a reason. There’s a measure of truth behind them. We inherit much from our parents and the environments in which we were raised. 

Your parents’ personalities, choices, habits, and relationship with each other all contributed to making you who you are today. They even shaped the way you look at your own marriage. Whether consciously or not, we all tend to either embrace or rebel against our parents’ ways of doing things. 

We’re often unaware of how we’re influenced as adults by our childhood relationship with our parents. During our formative years, our home lives created a set of assumptions that we carried into adulthood—they defined “normal” for us. 

To make better sense of your present, you have to look at your past. 

Consider the huge number of things influenced by the homes we were raised in: handling of money, celebration of holidays, mealtime routines, conflict resolution, sharing of affection, assertion of authority, tidiness, and spontaneity, among others. 

If you’re not aware of your own assumptions, any of these things can become a source of conflict and confusion for you and your spouse. Maybe your family freely expressed emotions and your spouse’s family didn’t. Maybe your parents argued loudly and often, while your spouse’s parents never fought in front of the kids. When you assume that your family’s style of communication and conflict resolution were normal and that style is completely foreign to your spouse, you can come away confused about your spouse’s behavior and how to respond to it. 

For your benefit and your spouse’s, you need to take a close look at your family background to determine how it affected you. You may feel like you’re dishonoring your parents or opening old wounds. That’s understandable. That’s okay. But remember, almost every parent wants the best for their children. Most parents, good or bad, do the best they can. Even the best parents have things they wish they’d done differently. 

Your goal is to look at the ways your parents did things and decide which things you need to leave behind and replace with the example of Jesus Christ. It’s the only way to become the best spouse you can be. 

When you better understand your tendencies and when you can explain them to your spouse, your marriage will thrive like never before.