A Damsel's DiarySýnishorn

I remember when I prayed to God, and I didn’t get the answer that I wanted.  It was in 2008.  I was in nursing school.  I had to take the HESI (Health Education System Inc.) exam.  This exam was required for each student to graduate.  I was in my final class, and the only thing stopping me from graduating was this exam.  I vividly remember that day.  I had been going through a tough time since September 2008.  I felt like my life was over.  I even had moments when I wanted to quit school.  I had prayed and prayed, but it was as if God could no longer hear my voice.  The moment of truth was lurking.  I had studied for the exam, but that was no comfort for my heart, and there was no way out. I had to pass 100%.  Even if a student had a 99/100 in the class, they would still have to repeat the class if they failed the exam.  I was scared. I remember the night before.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was broken, hurt, ashamed, so many emotions encircled me.  

On the morning of the exam, I received some bad news, but I still had to press ahead and take the exam, so I sucked it up and went in. After the exam was over and I remember feeling deflated, I had no iota of confidence, and I could not even remember a single question. My mind was completely blank. I went back to my room and cried. I felt helpless. Everything seemed like it was falling apart, and I couldn’t hear from God. I didn’t feel His presence. He was silent; at least that’s what I thought. The following day I found out that, lo and behold, I had failed the exam. I didn’t know my life could get any worse. I was ready to graduate, and now I couldn’t. Most of my friends passed the exam, but I didn’t. “Where are you, God?” I screamed in my mind. “I studied, I prayed, I cried, and still yet, you didn’t let me pass God. Why?”  I couldn’t stop crying. My life was falling apart before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do. 

Everyone believed that Mercy was the strong one, so I tried to hold it together and not let anyone see my tears. I was the one that held people together when they were falling apart, and now that I was going through my little ordeal, there was no one for me to cry to (because I refused to share my pain – I was supposed to be strong). I had to be strong! One night, I prayed. I asked God to speak to me and forgive me for doubting Him. I asked Him to help me. When I finally heard God speak, He said, “Trust me.” There was peace in the voice that I heard. The peace fell on me, and I felt a calmness, a peace, a feeling of ease. I knew it could only be God. I laid down and slept. The following morning, I woke up, and I felt different.  I can’t tell you exactly how, but all I know is I felt different, a good kind of different. Did I still have to repeat the class? Yes. Did I graduate that semester? No. But I still felt at peace. I had moments when I felt like giving up. I had my moments when quitting seemed like the easiest decision that I could make, but I chose to fight. When I felt like quitting, the people in my circle pushed me! When no one was around, I cried and prayed; but I refused to lose. I refused to give in. I had come so far, and I wasn’t going to let the enemy have the final say.

I can look back and share this testimony with you because my tears were my prayers, and they prophesied victory for me. They were tears of pain on those hard nights, but my tears became my unspoken prayers to the Lord. He heard my cry, and I graduated the following semester. I went from someone who had no degree and probably wasn’t deserving of one to a confident woman who now has three degrees and one in the works! My tears did not go to waste. God held my tears in His hands and turned them into testimonies that others can now draw from. I was a well of bitterness, and now I stand as a well of everlasting joy because I allowed God to fill me up. I allowed God to have His place. Others can now draw from my well because the Lord is the One who fills it up. I am complete because He completes me. The truth is, neither my husband nor my children “complete” me. My career does not complete me, no! My completion comes from the Lord, and because He completes me, I can pour into others and help them where they are struggling.

So why did I tell you this long story?  Because I want you to know that no matter what you are going through – He knows about it.  He (God) is right there with you.  You’re not actually drowning; you’re floating in His sea of grace and love.  What you are experiencing now will not go on forever. This, too, shall pass.  Your pain is not in vain.  No! It is a precursor of the testimony that you will soon share.  This pain is filled with purpose.  The purpose for your life and for those who will also draw from your well of everlasting joy is waiting on you.  Wait on it, though it tarry, wait for it (Habakkuk 2:3).  God is NOT done with you yet.

…You have a testimony pending, and it has your name on it. 

Prayer

Father, I trust you with my life.

I know now that there is no temptation that overtakes me that is not common to man, but You, Father, will make a way out so that I can endure it.  Therefore, I trust you.  Thank you, Father, for my testimony pending…

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