Cut the Criticism and Cultivate Companionship in Your Marriageনমুনা

Critical spirit and my spouse

At Awesome Marriage, we hear from a lot of couples, and while some would say that their spouse is too hard on themselves, the majority would say that the criticism is typically directed toward them - the spouse.

Negativity takes root so quickly that it doesn’t take long before one critical thought turns into a full-on war with your spouse. Suddenly, they couldn’t meet a need of yours if they tried because their words, actions and intentions are all wrong - in your mind.

That sounds crazy right? Does it escalate that quickly? Negatively screams out so loudly that it drowns out the voice of grace and sometimes reason. Studies have proven that what you look for you will find. If you have focused for so long on all that’s wrong with your marriage, then the only things you will see are what’s wrong with your marriage. This is why it is so important to take seriously the words of Proverbs 4:23 to “guard your heart.” That’s where everything we do begins.

The opposite is also true; positive experiences lead us to acknowledge more easily the next positive experience. It’s like our brain becomes trained to look for it first.

For instance, in the drab season of my marriage I referenced on Day 2, there was an instance when I was super frustrated with my husband. I felt like he was oblivious to my needs and the needs of our children. Every time something slipped his mind I just knew it was because all his mind was concerned about was himself.

Then, I was having a discussion with my sister when out of nowhere she mentioned she had noticed that my husband was more present even though he was juggling two full-time jobs, one of which required a significant amount of travel. Was she seeing something I wasn’t? Yes. A resounding yes.

When I stepped back, I noticed that there was a list of honey do’s that had been done without his mention or my acknowledgement. The kids would make a comment here or there referencing something they had recently done with Daddy. I had missed that too. I was so determined that he was the problem that I missed the fact that in my overly critical spirit, I was framing my husband the wrong way.

Things changed when I looked for the good instead of assuming the worst in him. This is one way we can choose to “love earnestly” (1 Peter 4:8) in our marriage. By making an active and intentional ongoing decision to call out the best in them and see our spouse through God’s eyes.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I mess up all the time and often my mess-ups come in the form of me tearing down my spouse. God, would you help me see them the way you see them, help me love them well, help me to look for the good and view them as my teammate. Forgive me for all the times I put myself in the trap of negativity. I am thankful for my spouse and my marriage, and I pray that I can honor you in that.