Day 3: Why might we be hesitant to resolve conflict?

Now that you’ve discovered your tendencies for dealing with conflict, we want to think about what else might hinder us from willingly entering in and trying to resolve the conflict. We want to expose why we rationalize not resolving conflict so that we can choose to make resolving it a priority.

1. It takes too much time. Conflict resolution takes time and energy. We often wonder, “Is it worth it?” The answer is yes. God asks us to be reconciled to one another, so we must make the time and effort to try. We should never ask, “Is this person worth me resolving conflict with?” The answer should always be yes. As far as it depends on us, we are to live in peace with everyone.

2. There may be fear of retaliation. We consider that they might hate us and get back at us in some way. This is not believing the best in the other person or allowing them to be reconciled. If you approach them with the attitude, “I’m going to this person because I love them and want to preserve this relationship,” there will be less chance for retaliation. The person will see that you are not trying to attack them but trying to care for the relationship.

3. We don't want to hurt the other person’s feelings. We are concerned that it will make them distressed and burdened by our concerns. What if they down-spiral? What if they go “all bad” on themselves? We must realize that even if we lovingly share the truth and it hurts, that hurt can lead them to repentance and bring them into a right relationship with God and others.

Paul had written some hard feedback to the church in Corinth in his first letter. When he wrote them a second time, he addressed that his first letter caused them grief but that it was necessary for them to repent. He said, “For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it though I did regret it, for I see that that letter grieved you, though only for a while. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:8-10, ESV).

4. We think the other person is responsible for coming to us and asking for forgiveness. This is untrue.

Matthew states, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against YOU, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24, ESV). He explains that one of the best ways we can worship God is to go and try to be reconciled to someone upset with us before we go to church and sing worship songs, give a tithe and offering, or engage in communion.

5. My anger at them is justified. Not all anger is a sin. Even Jesus got angry. But just because we are upset or have righteous anger does not mean we are not to pursue reconciliation with others and to do it calmly, respectfully, and with self-control.

Matthew again warns us, “I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment” (Matthew 5:22, ESV). This is a warning that God may judge our anger, so we do not want to hold on to it for long. Paul encourages, “In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV). When we hold on to our anger, it will fester and grow. When we release our anger to God, we can rest, knowing He will help us care for the relationship the next day.

Reflect on these questions:

• What are your hesitancies to resolving conflict?
• Are you reconciled to the people in your life before you enter worship each week?
• What would it look like to release your anger before each day ends?
• What advantages are there for doing so?

Pray and ask God to help you choose to resolve conflict and not make excuses to avoid it. Ask Him if there is anyone you need to resolve conflict with before you enter into a worship service. Surrender your anger to Him and ask Him to give you peace that passes understanding as you trust Him to help you walk through the conflict.