Day 2: What are unbiblical responses to conflict?

One way we can get closer to becoming peacemakers is to learn how to respond appropriately to others when conflict occurs so that we can grow and preserve the relationships around us. The challenge is that we create habits of how we respond to conflict over time. We might react differently to co-workers, friends, and family when we experience conflict. It is important to recognize our tendencies so that we can work on not responding in ways that can damage the relationship further.

Let’s look at some typical responses to conflict and why they are not how God would want us to respond. If you relate to them, think about why you respond that way and ask God to help you change your response to conflict.

1. Give in to it. Usually, you respond with, “Whatever you want.” If you give in to conflict, you abdicate. This hinders you from having a voice and being an equal contributor to the conversation. If this is your tendency, remember that you are valuable and made in God’s image. He sees you as an equal and does not want you to be silent.

2. Withdraw from it. This means you avoid the topic or person. This hinders fellowship and intimacy. God created us to have fellowship with one another and true intimacy. It would not be His desire for you to isolate and withdraw when you are made for community.

3. Winner/loser. This is a competition for who is “right.” It creates a “me vs. them” scenario where you don’t seem “for” the other person. It appears selfish and not loving or caring. God wants us to enter into each conversation with love and care for the other person, who is also made in God's image.

4. Stuff it. This builds up over time, creating inner turmoil, bitterness, and hatred. At some point, you may react and blow up if it is not handled correctly or in a timely manner. God does not want us to suppress our feelings but to come to Him for help to respond appropriately.

5. Denial is when you don’t acknowledge the problem exists. You move on to the next topic as if everything is fine. This creates a wall, an unsafe environment, and pushes the person away. God wants us to be approachable and safe so others can communicate with us. Again, this will isolate and draw us away from community.

6. Smoothing over. You admit there’s a problem, but you trivialize it. You say it’s “ok” when it’s not. You know you’ll walk away hurt and not feeling understood. In a sense, this is lying about how you experienced the situation. It will continue to fester and be unresolved. God wants us to have grace and truth in our conversations with others. This is the only way we and they can grow over time.

7. Using humor to relieve the tension can make people not feel valued by what just happened and feel like it’s not a big deal when it is to them. We are to show compassion and empathy to others and not belittle their experiences by joking or deflecting.

8. Blow up (anger, aggression, hostility). This creates fear in others and hinders them from wanting to be honest with you. They fear the wrath and will keep away at all costs. We must admit that uncontrolled anger is a sin and can harm others significantly. It is the opposite of living out the fruit of the Spirit, which includes patience, gentleness, and self-control.

Reflect on these questions:

• How do you respond to conflict?
• How might it affect you and others?

Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal your tendencies around conflict. Ask Him to help you pause and invite Him into your emotions and conversations before you react or respond to someone in a way that will make resolving the conflict more difficult. Memorize the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 and ask the Spirit to help you live those out daily.