The Lies Couples BelieveChikamu

I Am Who I Am

Lie #6: You need to accept me as I am, and never, under any circumstance, ask me to change.

The painful part of marriage for many of us is how often we feel that our spouse’s feedback about our flaws lacks both grace and truth. Sadly, many husbands and wives have so much anger and resentment toward each other that when they finally say something about their partners’ flaws, it is unkind (mean, hateful, shaming) and inaccurate (distorted, disproportional, and untrue). As Aristotle so eloquently put it, “Anyone can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way—that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.” When it comes to marriage, we sometimes feel our spouses go after our faults at the wrong time, for the wrong purpose, and in the wrong way.

It is important to understand that marriage is about the tender and tough sides of love. It is about being gracious, but it is also about being truthful. Whether we like it or not, God wants to use our spouses as mouthpieces to address our rough edges, those seemingly small things about us that are bothersome and even wounding to our spouses. God can’t do that if all we want from our spouses is for them to “get off our backs” and bathe us in unconditional positive regard.

So, please, listen to what your spouse says you need to change about yourself. It may well be from God Himself. And even if your spouse says things about you at the wrong time, in the wrong way, and with the wrong motive, try to be man or woman enough to listen for the part that is true and to allow God to polish that particular rough edge. Seek your spouse’s input on your flaws and defects. If both of you would be willing to do that, over time not only will you become a better “I am what I am,” but your marriage will also become a better “We are what we are.”

God, I have been defensive about my flaws and have reacted badly when my spouse points them out. Help me graciously receive my spouse’s feedback about my flaws—rather than get defensive or angry—and prayerfully bring that feedback to you.

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