The Lies Couples BelieveChikamu

It Takes Two to Tango

Lie #5: Our marital problems are all my spouse’s fault.

The truth of the matter is that both of you are responsible for the state of your marriage, regardless of who committed the offense of the moment or any offenses in the past. Let me explain.

Marriage is an “it takes two to tango” relationship in which both of you contribute, for better or for worse, to the overall health or sickness of the relationship. Think of yourselves as a mixed-doubles team in tennis. If you were to get beaten by an opponent, you wouldn’t blame your partner for this loss, would you? In order for your partner to have been the sole reason for the loss, every ball in the match would have to have been hit only to your spouse, who then didn’t make any returns. This would mean you couldn’t—or didn’t—even participate.

If you want to have a healthy, loving marriage, you have to stop blaming your spouse for how you feel and how you act and you must stop allowing your spouse to blame you for how he or she feels and acts. Two important steps come into play when taking appropriate responsibility in marriage.

First, you have to switch from “you” language to “I” language. Try to discipline yourself to stop saying, “You made me mad.” Say instead, “I feel angry about what you did…” It may sound like semantics, but you are not going to stop blaming your spouse for your feelings and actions until you start using the word “I” rather than “you” in marriage.

Second, when you blame your feelings or actions on your spouse, make sure you apologize and ask for his or her forgiveness.

If you are going to let the truth set you free in your marriage, you can no longer blame your spouse for how the marriage is going or for how you feel or act. And you can no longer accept blame for how the marriage is going and for how your spouse feels or acts. Both of you need to take joint responsibility for how the marriage is doing and sole responsibility for how you feel and act toward each other.

God, too much of my marital life has been spent blaming my spouse for how I feel and how I act. I am truly sorry. Help me to stop blaming my spouse and to start taking responsibility for my contribution to the problems we have in our marriage and for the way I treat my spouse.