Healing Well And Living FreeChikamu

Day Four

Call It What It Is

Scripture: 2 Timothy 1:7

One night I got up while Ben was sleeping to do a Google search of a term my best friend had encouraged me to read about. The term was cycle of abuse. I remember like it was yesterday how my hand on the computer mouse shook as I read the information. As I read the definition, I realized I was smack in the middle of a very toxic pattern. For the first time in my marriage, I knew what I was experiencing had a name . . . Abuse. 

Some women enduring intimate partner violence falsely believe their’s is a marital problem, in other words, a couple’s issue. Holding on to this belief gives victims a false sense of control. Let’s be clear: the only person with control over the abuse is the abuser. Contrary to what we may have been told or have told ourselves in the past, we cannot break the abuse cycle with better behavior, more prayer, less cellulite, or a tastier meat loaf. 

Abuse is not something you can manage or control. Accepting this is paramount to having a clear understanding that it is solely your abuser’s choice to abuse and that you are not responsible for his behavior. This understanding also completely eradicates the very common and dangerous misconception that somehow you provoked him and he had no other choice than to “set you straight.” As long as you believe you are somehow responsible for your abuser’s behavior, you will remain in the tangled web of abuse.

An abuser lacks sincere empathy for the pain he caused. In his twisted mind-set, if you deserved it, why should he feel sorry for his actions? He doesn’t. When the honeymoon phase circles back, as the cycle of abuse spins round, he may bring flowers or gifts or perform acts of contrition. He may seem sincere at the moment. You will want to believe his apparent remorse is true. However, it begs the question, “If he is truly sorry and promises never to do it again, why does he?” The answer never changes, “It’s because he can.” 

This is precisely where I encourage you to ask yourself, “Is this what I want for myself?” My prayer is that at this point your conviction is, “Enough is enough!” 

In what ways do you rationalize your partner’s abusive behavior? What feelings are generated when you call it what it is? Abuse.