Healing Well And Living FreeChikamu

Day Three

The Big Secret

Scripture: Psalm 22:24

Abusers need secrecy to cloak their actions and their dual lives. They are Mr. Wonderful in the public eye but Mr. Monster at home. 

In my own life, I was enamored with Ben’s “good side.” But his other side was gruff, entitled, dangerous, and desensitized. This dual nature threw me into a tailspin that lasted for years. 

Looking back, I realize I too was living a dual life. I appeared all put together, and I felt enormous pressure to keep everything going for the sake of our family. On the outside, I came across as confident and strong, when, in fact, my private world was an entirely different story. The secret allowed me to keep this façade going. And I believed that if I could keep it going long enough, it would eventually become reality. 

But the biggest reason I kept the secret for so many years? I loved him. I didn’t want people to think badly of him. I believed that I could work on the marriage privately and not damage our reputation. The fact is the abuse continued to happen over and over again. 

Breaking the silence is key to interrupting the cycle. It opens a world of new possibilities, health, freedom, safety, and new life. This step can be pretty scary, I know. But it’s so important. 

Breaking the silence is not necessarily about leaving your abusive partner right now, although for some, it may be. Breaking the silence is about telling your story first to yourself, then to a safe person.

The decision to entrust your story to someone can feel overwhelming. Fear has been used to manipulate and silence you, so it can seem almost inconceivable that you could actually share your story with someone. You may wonder, Will anyone believe me? You might even feel delusional as your abuser insists that what is going on isn’t really happening. 

You may be concerned that some family members and friends won’t believe your story. But there comes a moment when each of us realizes that the cost of maintaining the secret is too high a price to pay. What leads to that moment can be very different for each person. What’s crucial is not so much why you break the silence but that you do. 

How has The Secret hurt you? If you have children, how has it hurt them, too? How has living in an abusive relationship affected your other relationships? Who could you tell your secret to?