Infidelity: Biblical/Practical QuestionsSample

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?

What should someone do if they discover that their spouse has been emotionally involved with another person, not merely once or twice, but on several occasions? Are repeated emotional affairs biblical grounds for divorce?

That’s a difficult question to answer. The various emotional, relational, and scriptural pieces of the puzzle are so complex, so multi-layered, and so densely interwoven with a tangle of unknown factors that one is tempted to say that every case needs to be evaluated on an individual basis. Despite this, there are a couple of overarching biblical principles that should always govern the reaction of a betrayed spouse: first, Christ calls all of us to exercise unlimited forgiveness in our relationships with one another. That said, it’s important to understand, particularly in this context, that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different processes. Dr. Tony Evans offers a clear and helpful distinction when he states:

“Forgiveness is a decision to release someone from a debt owed or from an infraction committed against you. That is the decision that you make, regardless of the absence of the presence of the emotion to make it. But forgiveness is different from reconciliation. You can forgive, but reconciliation is a process where repentance has taken place by the offender — demonstrated by fruit — that can be visibly seen by the offended. So, where there has been a breach the offended must release the offender from the debt. But the offender must repent to initiate a process of reconciliation of the relationship.”

The second important principle is that it is never a good idea to jump to the conclusion that divorce is the only way out of marital difficulties. What matters most in a situation like this is not a strict and legalistic definition of “biblical grounds for divorce,” but an honest assessment of the intentions of each partner’s heart. For example, if the husband’s behavior up to this point has been characterized by a stubborn resistance to change or an ongoing lack of repentance, the couple in question may in fact be facing a very serious problem. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that divorce is the answer.

There’s a tremendous need here not only for prayer and careful discernment but for the advice and guidance of a trained Christian counselor or pastor. Before consigning an unfaithful spouse to the ranks of the reprobate, it’s important to remember that there is a huge difference between playing with sin, falling into sin, and being utterly given over to sin. It’s crucial to try to figure out exactly where the offender falls along this spectrum before allowing the word “divorce” to enter the picture.

A close examination of the biblical text can also be helpful. It’s common knowledge that Jesus cites “fornication” or “sexual immorality” — Greek porneia — as the one and only legitimate reason for dissolving a marriage: “I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery … ” (Matthew 19:9). In light of this statement, it seems that the relevant question here would be, “Does emotional attachment amount to ‘fornication’ or ‘sexual immorality?’” At first glance, the answer would appear to be an obvious no; as the guilty party himself would probably point out, “We didn’t do anything! There was no sex involved!” But upon further reflection, the problem appears to be more complicated.

A great deal depends on definitions and motives. And in a situation like this, the two can be deceptively intertwined. The betrayed spouse needs to ask herself, “How do I understand the words adultery, fornication, and sexual immorality?” Whether she realizes it or not, it’s possible that her definition of these terms is being shaped by personal motives.

Questions about motives can be resolved by way of sober self-examination. The victim of the emotional affair needs to ask herself exactly why she’s so interested in determining whether repeated emotional affairs constitute biblical grounds for divorce. Is she looking for a reason to divorce her husband? If so, is his recent unfaithfulness the only thing pushing her in this direction? In situations of this kind, some people have a powerful tendency to wrap up all the struggles and frustrations of their entire married lives and to “dump” them on top of the affair — to use the affair to gain “permission” to take “revenge” on the guilty spouse for every offense he’s ever committed. That’s why it’s so important to figure out if there are any other unresolved issues in the relationship and to separate them out of the mix before attempting to address the fallout of the emotional affair.

A similar observation can be made with respect to the unfaithful spouse, of course. His motives, too, are open to question. Sometimes a man may try to “test the boundaries” by insisting that, whatever else may have happened, he never became sexually involved with the other woman. This in turn begs the question of his definition of unfaithfulness, immorality, or adultery.

Is he for some reason trying to “nudge the line” as closely as possible without actually crossing over into blatant sin? If so, why? If he really cares about his marriage, why would he want to run such a huge risk? Under such circumstances, one might wonder if he is looking — whether consciously or unconsciously — for an excuse to end the relationship.
Do you recognize your spouse or yourself in any aspect of this scenario? If so, it would be a good idea for the two of you to seek out the assistance of a Christian marriage and family therapist.

It’s never too late to rebuild your marriage as long as you’re both willing to do the hard work required to affect genuine reconciliation. After all, mending things is always a whole lot better than ending things. Divorce should always be a couple’s last resort, never the first option.