Infidelity: Biblical/Practical QuestionsSample

SEXUAL AFFAIR WITHIN THE FAMILY For obvious reasons, the rules and principles surrounding a confession of infidelity change somewhat — in fact, they change dramatically in certain instances — when the affair has taken place within the circle of the extended family. We’re not talking here about incest (a highly problematic issue in its own right), but rather about adult sexual liaisons between in-laws and more distant relatives — say, for example, a one-time encounter involving a woman and her husband’s brother. A situation of this nature constitutes an agonizing dilemma for all parties concerned. That’s because its disclosure has the potential to split a family group right down the middle. Jesus warns us that a house divided against itself cannot stand. For this reason alone, sexual encounters between relatives or in-laws have to be confronted with extreme care and sorted out on a case-by-case basis. There are no hard-and-fast rules or one-size-fits-all solutions that can be applied across the board. A myriad of details have to be taken into account in determining the best method of handling such a complicated drama. If you’ve been guilty of an indiscretion of this magnitude, and if you’re trying to decide whether it’s advisable to acknowledge your fault to your spouse, there are a few basic considerations to keep in mind. First, you should begin by examining your motives. Before telling your mate what has happened, ask yourself why you want (or need) to tell. In a case like this, it’s crucial to act with the entire family’s best interests at heart. Personal issues such as guilt, a burdened conscience, or a secret desire to shift blame and manipulate other people have to be brought before the Lord in prayer and exposed to the light of His truth before you speak or act. Remember, confession may come as a great relief to you, but it’s almost certain to have a devastating impact on your partner, your children (if you have any), and the rest of the family. Second, if upon honest reflection you decide that punishment, revenge, or manipulation do figure into this equation somehow, then this would seem to indicate that there are other, deeper problems in your marriage — problems that may have had something to do with causing the illicit affair in the first place. In that case, you’d be wise to address those problems before bringing up the subject of the sexual encounter. If you and your spouse can get to the heart of your marital “issues” with the help of a skilled marriage counselor, it’s possible that an appropriate confession will emerge in the process. Third, if and when you do confess, you need to think very carefully about whom you should tell and how much you should say. If you really believe that it is in your spouse’s best interests and the best interests of your marriage to bring this dark secret to light, you will want to tailor your words with great care so as to include only those elements that will bring the maximum benefit to everyone concerned. Graphic details are not necessary. Remember, too, that once the cat is out of the bag, you will no longer be able to control the story. Fourth — and this point is closely related to the last — consider the broader consequences of telling. Pray earnestly, seek the Lord’s wisdom, and think very carefully about the potential for harm to other people that could arise out of a decision to acknowledge your sin. Bear in mind that you can’t tell your spouse unless the other guilty party also tells his. Picture the ever-widening circle of individuals — children, parents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews — who will be impacted by the ripple effect of your revelation. Ask yourself how each one of them is likely to react. If you knew that each and every member of your family could be counted on to respond in a mature, responsible, compassionate, Christian manner, your decision would be much easier. In that case, you could say to yourself, “Go ahead — tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.” Unfortunately, it’s a sad fact that, in a fallen world like ours, affairs of this kind often end in heartbreak, broken families, feuding kinship groups, and even violence. To confess or not to confess? It’s a difficult and painful choice. Since you and the other participant in the affair are both members of the same extended family, you’re going to have to make it together. The vital thing is to proceed within the context of humility, fervent prayer, and heartfelt repentance before the Lord. A trained Christian counselor can be a great help to you as you begin to move through this process.