End the Stalemate: Disagreeing Without Destroying the RelationshipSample

Get the Order of Listening Right

While there are many reasons to listen to others—for pleasure, to support someone, to gather information—two key reasons are to understand and to evaluate. Even though both are important, the order in which they are done is crucial to establishing a productive conversation and ending a stalemate. In fact, getting the order wrong and listening can actually strengthen a stalemate.

Listening to evaluate. “The simple believe anything” (Proverbs 14:15). A crucial component of listening is to engage in critical listening, where we evaluate claims, facts, and the general argument being made. Is the argument logical? Are there contradictions that need to be addressed? During a difficult conversation, evaluation is crucial to addressing potential holes in a person’s position. However, if we start with this type of listening, we can easily put a person on the defensive. This is why listening to evaluate is temporarily set aside while we seek to listen to understand.

Listening to understand. The first step in seeking to understand another person’s view is to set aside our assumptions of what they will say and temporarily keep in check our own opinions. Listening scholar David Johnson states that the single most important factor in listening effectively is not some technique but the sincere desire to understand. To understand, ask simple questions: When did you first start to think this way? Tell me about the community in which you grew up. Who has influenced your thinking most? Is there a moment in the past where your thinking crystallized and you thought, Yep, this is my conviction! Listening to understand often starts with the simple phrase “Tell me more.”

The next time we encounter a friend or family member’s perspective, we not only disagree with it but find it threatening. What is our first reaction? Do we listen to their views with a mindset to find their errors and uncover areas where we can push back, or do we meet this view with a sincere desire to understand? These two types of listening are not mutually exclusive. But, as relational scholar John Gottman reminds us, “It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them.”

Want to learn more about how to have Christ honoring conversations? Check out the book End the Stalemate by Sean McDowell and Tim Muehlhoff, PhD, wherever books are sold.