End the Stalemate: Disagreeing Without Destroying the RelationshipSample

When in Doubt, Start with Listening

Most of us spend at least 50 percent of our waking time listening to those around us. The Scriptures place a strong value on listening. The book of Proverbs presents listening as being vital to effective communication. Not only is the act of listening commended but its primacy is also stressed. “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). It’s interesting that the ancient writer would suggest that speaking before is shameful. To deem listening unnecessary is to communicate that the other person is inferior and that their perspective does not matter; all that matters in the conversation is what we have to say.

If we are to end a stalemate with a person, then we’ll need to lead with listening.

Yet, to be honest, many of us struggle with listening to others. What is one of the greatest barriers to listening before speaking? In short, prejudgment. A Baptist said of an Episcopalian, “I cannot hear you because of what I expect you to say.” One difficulty with having repeated conversations with those close to us is that we start to believe we know everything they are about to say. Heading into the conversation, we are convinced we already know their position, and we’ve already determined they are wrong!

The first step in ending a stalemate requires us to enter into a conversation with a fresh perspective. Even though we’ve discussed this issue many times, what new information can we uncover? This will require us to set aside our prejudgments and ask questions to dig deeper into a person’s perspective. Remember, we listen not only to effectively gather facts and information but also to convey love and bestow honor, not shame.