Narcissism: Healing the Relational Infection in the ChurchExemplo

Now we see a fuller picture of why healthy relational maturity is crucial, not only for character formation but also for resisting the growth of a relational disease. If our community is deeply bonded in joyful love, narcissistic trickery does not have the same power to separate us. Our joy levels are high, so we have the capacity to handle great distress. Our love is steadfast because a hesed community has learned to suffer together. We share our weaknesses, so narcissistic criticisms do not intimidate us. We develop the capacity to love difficult people.

Our group identity is well developed, so when a leader uses condemnation or self-justification to eliminate shame, we immediately spot this flaw. Our reaction is not to condemn the narcissist but to show love by offering correction. People with narcissistic tendencies will feel uncomfortable in our community because they cannot manipulate our identities. Jesus alone is the standard that we use to tell each other who we are and how we act. An interloper gains no ground trying to corrupt our identity.

We gently and lovingly correct narcissists when they exhibit behavior that looks nothing like how Jesus acted. We absolutely refuse to give the narcissist a pass because giving a pass would not be loving. The narcissist might see our correction as toxic, but our community has a culture of correction that promotes relational health. This means that everyone is gently correcting everyone, and no one stands out as particularly flawed. The narcissistic mind sees many examples of people correcting each other and eagerly receiving the reproof. Our joy, love, identity, and correction work together to provide the narcissistic brain the examples it needs.

A church may be vulnerable to narcissists, but that does not make it a narcissistic church. The weakness of this church is in its relational soil. If you combine depleted soil with poor understanding of maturity and the “drive to dominate,” it becomes a matter of time before a narcissist takes over. Paul describes a church that acquiesces to an abusive leader in 2 Corinthians 11:19–20: “You gladly put up with fools since you are so wise! In fact, you even put up with anyone who enslaves you or exploits you or takes advantage of you or puts on airs or slaps you in the face.” The Corinthians lacked the nutrients in their soil to handle these defective leaders. They should have gently and firmly corrected them instead of tolerating their behavior. 

Seeing narcissism through the eyes of Scripture and brain science helps us feel compassion for narcissists. They are caught in a great weakness and do not realize it. Narcissists are not our enemies. When we show them hesed in a Christlike group identity, diseased leaders learn how shame can improve their character. Instead of fearing and avoiding shame, they are shown how to metabolize it relationally: “We are glad to be with you in these feelings. We are glad we get to go through this together.” Our joy and hesed form a lifesaver that pulls the self-justifier to safety. It may be necessary to remove a leader in order for them to heal. Their soul is more important than their job as a pastor. We must continue to welcome them in our loving community, without which they have little chance to heal. 

This is some deep water, but there is good news in all of this talk about an infected Christianity. We have hope. The disease thrives in some communities and languishes in others. Churches with neglected relational development are susceptible because they have weak soil. Churches with robust relational training are places where narcissism has trouble taking root. 

This stiff-necked infection is a vicious relational weakness that is difficult, but not impossible, to treat. Treating a severe infection starts by restoring the health of the community soil. Jesus’s vision for his church is vibrant, loving community. 

Significant changes and work are required to create a community with sufficiently healthy soil to resist narcissism, but the disease can be stopped. The infection can be cured, narcissists can be healed, and narcissism can be eradicated from the church.

Lord Jesus, help us.

Discussion Questions:

1. Have you ever seen a predatorial leader of a church lovingly corrected in a way that leads them from being a predator to being a protector? Why do you think this is so uncommon?

2. Have you ever found yourself acting like a predator? How did you get out of this predator state and back to being relational?

We hope you have enjoyed this devotional from Michel Hendricks and Jim Wilder,  excerpted from The Other Half of Church. To learn more about the book, visit joyfilledchurch.com