Narcissism: Healing the Relational Infection in the ChurchExemplo

Unfortunately, the narcissistic “I must win” strategy can spill over into Christian communities, which explains why we see narcissistic behavior in leaders of organizations and churches. They manage shame by winning instead of metabolizing shame through hesed relationships. That is why narcissists seek to be the CEO, the head pastor, the lead elder, or the hidden influencer. Narcissists crave positions of influence because this feeds their sense of being special. Once they get their hands on the power they crave, they will not want to release it. You will see these positions turn into lifetime appointments until the people around these leaders wise up.

When a Christian community has low joy, weak hesed, and a poorly developed group identity, the culture is armed for narcissism to spread. If we eliminate the immediate infection, it soon returns. Without strong attachments and relational skills, narcissism flourishes—especially in leadership. 

You do not have to look hard to see examples of the destruction left by narcissism. Just read the latest news headlines on fallen Christian leaders. Frequently, these articles list common threads running through these organizations: a rubber stamp board, a personality-driven organization, and poor financial accountability. These issues, and others, need to be addressed, but there is no mention of what is going on underneath the visible behavior. What is happening in the hearts of these leaders and in the hearts of the people who surround them? We must address the relational soil that nourishes and encourages narcissistic behavior; otherwise the church will often select a narcissistic pastor to fill the position of the recently-fired narcissist. Or another narcissistic leader will emerge from the staff of the church and finally get the leadership position they felt they always deserved. The infection returns.

The perpetrators did not do the hard work of character formation and developing relational skills that would have extracted their narcissistic tendencies and replaced them with the beautiful character of Christ. They are logical consequences of a half-developed discipleship. When we fail to form character in churches, we end up having leaders with poorly formed character—pastors who do not act like Jesus.

How does narcissism play out in the life of a pastor? An inability to metabolize shame inflates a person’s need to be special, a narcissistic strategy of handling shame. Wanting to be special is a healthy desire we all have, a God-given desire. However, narcissists are unable to satisfy this need relationally, so they are driven to perform and succeed. We see this as good leadership. Narcissists satisfy their need to be special through performance and winning, using Christian ministry as the vehicle. 

Infected leaders use ministry to communicate, “I’m not just special, I’m more special than all of you.” Their ability to win helps them avoid shame, their greatest fear. But as we have seen, without shame, our character does not change. Giftedness, ministry success, and bold leadership may look good on the surface, but the inner motivation has been detached from relationships. We may find this confusing because their ministries look impressive.

The apostle John wrote about such a leader who was intent on winning. He warns his readers about a certain man, Diotrephes. “I wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to be first, will not welcome us” (3 John 9).  Diotrephes was a winner.

The need to be first leads to an abandonment of Christlike character. A manifestation of “I must win” leadership is a love of measurability and numbers. These leaders love motivating people by growth and numbers and put them on display as proof that “we are winning.” True discipleship gets ignored under their leadership because they have little time for activities that are hard to measure and display. That’s not to say that they don’t talk about discipleship and spiritual formation, especially in front of a crowd. They talk about discipleship to prove that they are serious about obeying Jesus, but they rarely if ever do it. The actual hard work of discipleship is neglected. Subordinates who advocate for the slow, messy work of discipleship will soon find themselves looking for a new job. They are promoting a priority that the narcissist finds unimportant.

Narcissistic leaders love a good cause, and their cause may be truly important—fighting corruption, protecting the poor, reaching university students for Christ, defending good doctrine, spreading the gospel, or planting churches in prisons. The cause is presented to the community as the narcissist’s own grand vision, and it becomes so important that ministry is elevated above relationships rather than flowing from relationships. Let me state this again, because it gets to the center of the dysfunction: Ministry becomes more important than relationships. Now we are finally looking at the soil and not just the symptoms, and a soil analysis reveals depleted hesed.

The pulpit is a strong magnet for narcissists, and they use it to achieve what they crave: attention, control, being at the center, being able to create the narrative. For the narcissist pastor, the sermon becomes performance art. The overemphasis on the sermon in modern Christianity is like chumming the water for narcissists. Up on a stage, the grand leader can appear to have a strong connection with the congregation while maintaining real relational distance. The stage, the image magnification, and the microphone allow pastors to appear close while avoiding real attachments to anyone who might threaten their control and sense of being special. From this exalted position they can choose their friends carefully. Surrounded by a supportive community of weakly attached people with a shallow group identity, pastors can exercise significant control. 

Certain people might have come to your mind as you finish today’s study. If you are like me, you see some of your own weaknesses there too. These traits reveal character that starkly contrasts what we see in Jesus, the perfect leader. What is missing is a stable and growing Christlike character and healthy relational soil, especially hesed. 

Discussion Questions:

1. How do you think we can make our churches immune to narcissistic leaders? What attracts them to positions of Christian leadership and how do we protect our communities from their control?

2. What narcissistic traits have you seen in your own life?