Narcissism: Healing the Relational Infection in the ChurchExemplo

Another characteristic of narcissism deserves our attention. How do I respond to correction? Much is revealed by our answer to this question. Do I humble myself and listen, or do I try to justify myself? Do I humbly bow my head, or do I stiffen my neck? We seldom hear teaching about self-justification in our churches. If we are honest, few of us enjoy someone criticizing our character. If I have narcissistic tendencies, my reaction to your feedback will be to stiffen my neck against your correction and justify myself. I will show you that I am right, and you are wrong. If I think all shame is toxic, I will interpret your admonition to mean that I am not special. Self-justification is the first weapon I reach for to defend myself.

Self-justification can be deceiving. We choose narcissists for our leaders precisely because they are so good at justifying themselves. They are good at having all the answers and sounding right. People who have not been trained to spot self-justification misjudge it for self-confidence. To the discerning, the justifications sound reasonable at first, but they know something is wrong below the surface. A stiff neck is often well hidden.

In 1 Samuel 13:8-12, Samuel offered King Saul a life-giving rebuke, but the king used self-justification to swat it away. His specialness was threatened when Samuel pointed out his flawed character. Saul was so desperate that he blamed the prophet for his own disobedience. He reflexively reached for his trustiest weapon: self-justification.

Like yawning, self-justification is contagious. If you and I are arguing, and I justify myself, your reflex will be to justify yourself in response.  We need a group value system that says, “We are a people who really cannot stand self-justification and will not listen to it.” God is our defender, so we do not need to justify ourselves. We must train ourselves to resist justifying. When we follow Saul’s example, it never ends well.

I was in a group that practiced recognizing and withstanding self-justification every week in our basement. We built up our ability to detect self-justification in ourselves and others. I had never been trained to spot and eliminate self-justification, but I quickly understood the benefits of this exercise. Because of our practice, I feel that I now can spot justification quickly.

One week, we practiced on the following example of self-justification: 

Someone says to you, “You wouldn’t understand in a million years.” Does that look like a self-justification to you? It did not to me when I first heard it. Then I reflected on my years working in the tech industry. One senior coworker came to mind who had more experience than the rest of us on the team. We would occasionally need to ask him questions about our project. He had a reputation. If he had to explain something more than once, he would become angry and insulting. While he did not say it verbally, the look on his face communicated, “If I have to explain something to you twice, you won’t understand it in a million years.” 

In the training, we made a list of weaknesses that hide behind this self-justification. Self-justification is a weakness that masquerades as a strength. We should be able to find hidden weaknesses if we look hard enough. Identifying the cracks in defensive statements help us see them from God’s perspective. We were training ourselves to no longer be fooled.

It seemed like once we spotted the first weakness, we started seeing many of them. We came up with the following weaknesses of the self-justification listed above: 

• This statement is belittling and impatient. 

• It shuts down further discussion.

• It keeps the self-justifier from needing to explain further. 

• This justification shows arrogance: “I’m so much smarter than you that you will never understand my lofty thinking.” 

• This statement might also be a cover-up for laziness. 

Then we asked each other what can we do to ensure these weaknesses do not take root in our community. We talked about how our group can become a place where, when a person says, “You wouldn’t understand in a million years!” we would instantly spot this as self-justification and know how to help the person act in accordance with their true identity. First, we created a group identity statement that would become part of our common understanding: 

We are a people who patiently teach and help people, even when they struggle to understand because this is how God treats us. 

Another idea was to share a story of when we were impatient with a struggling learner and how we realized that we were wrong. I remembered one time when my young daughter spilled something and made a big mess. I overreacted, and she looked at me and said, “But it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.” She stopped me in my tracks because she was right, and I was wrong to overreact. Stories give the self-justifier mental pictures of what Christ’s character looks like in this situation. 

Discussion Questions:

1. Have you ever been around another person who often justified themselves? What effect did this have on your relationship and in your community?

2. Read 1 Samuel 13:8-12. Have you ever acted like this when someone tried to correct you? Why did you react that way?