Becoming One by Leaving

In getting married, the two of you are choosing to place your marriage relationship above any other human relationship. As you prepare for marriage, both of you are also preparing to loosen ties to your parents, family members, friends, and other commitments so that you can build unity in your marriage. You are making a new allegiance.

Genesis 2:24 describes what happens when people get married. Let’s examine it closely to learn some principles for how you create a strong union. The first step is leaving: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother ...”

Getting married is like a transfer of citizenship from one nationality to another. When one becomes a citizen of a nation, he pledges allegiance to that nation and to what it stands for. So it is with marriage–you move from being loyal to your family of birth, close friends, and other relationships to pledging your loyalty first to your spouse. We call this transfer of loyalty leaving. Leaving involves both of you intentionally letting go of your dependence, comfort, and security with your parents to build dependence, comfort, and security with your spouse.

The first way you separate is physically. You need to decide together where to live when you get married. Living close to either of your families of origin has its joys and challenges. Wherever you choose to live, you will need to agree as a couple to create the physical space you need to define yourselves and build your marriage and your home.

Leaving physically makes room for the two of you to leave socially and emotionally. Families of origin help meet our social and emotional needs. These can also be met by families of choice such as church, work networks, and friends. Now you will need to learn to fill social and emotional voids as a couple. You must also leave financially, being careful not to make any agreements with family that bind you to them and shift your priority away from your spouse. Outside relationships should build your unity, not tear it down.

Reflect

Prayerfully consider your outside relationships: family, church, work, friends, etc. Do they build up or tear down your unity as a couple? Ask God to give you wisdom in how to leave destructive relationships. What is one step you can take this week?