Bad Boundaries and Unrealistic Expectations

An absence of boundaries also makes it impossible for us to love others well. Those of us who struggle with this feel that relational boundaries are mean, exclusive, and unloving. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Healthy boundaries can protect the life in your heart, prevent contention and division, and support your relationship with and maturity in Christ.

Remember, not every person needs to be your good friend, nor does every family member need to have uninhibited access to you. Jesus modeled this for us through His various relationship circles: crowds followed Him, His twelve disciples traveled with Him, but only three were in His inner circle. In addition, from what little we learn about His relationship with His family, they didn’t understand or support Him once He was living out His purpose as an adult. Of course, this did not stop him.

Some relationships require more boundaries than others. Acknowledging this is wise. Certain relationships require distance for me to love the other person (and myself) well. I know that long periods together will cause one or both of us to act in ways we would rather not. I also know that in some relationships, I have to set boundaries on how vulnerable I can be, and what level of access a person gets- to the most personal parts of my story, heart, and life.

With boundaries come realistic expectations. You cannot expect someone to be something they aren’t. Realistic expectations don’t mean you lack hope or faith that things can change. This is a both/and process. We have realistic expectations for how they are (based on a pattern of behavior from the past), and we pray like crazy for things to change in full belief that, with God, all things are possible. And above all, healthy boundaries support our speaking the truth in love, for the benefit of all involved.

Ask God to show you unprotected spaces where a healthy boundary can help you love yourself and others better. What steps do you need to take to put this boundary in place?