Relationships 101Sýnishorn

How to Fight Right - Avoiding self-sabotage

We live in a world that wants to win at any cost. Except if we win at any cost, we may lose at great cost. If we win the argument at the cost of the relationship, we lose. If we win control at the cost of security and trust, we lose. Many times, we can get caught up in the emotions of a moment and try to win the small moment at the expense of the entire future. When pride, insecurity, and selfishness step in, they cause us to lose sight of what actually matters.

The Bible lays this out when talking about marriage but exposes a principle that affects every relationship (Matt. 19:5). When we get married, the two become one. That didn’t make sense to me, as math says 1+1=2. When you are adding, that is true. But when you are creating something new, lots of ingredients or pieces can go into making the one new thing. When we look at a cookie, we don’t see flour, sugar, egg, and baking soda… While all those things may be ingredients it's now a cookie. In relationships, it takes people (plural), but it's something new. While marriage is our most important and closest relationship, this principle affects all our relationships. To make relationships last, we have to recognize that it's now us. If I hurt us, I am hurting myself. Like trying to win a three-legged race (a race where you tie a leg together with your partner and then try to run together), if I shove my partner down, I may feel like I have shown them, but now we are crippled as a team, and therefore I lose. When we call names, deride, insult, or tear apart our spouse or even people we just want a healthy relationship with, we are attacking the relationship. We are destroying what matters. This is a problem from childhood to adulthood. I have seen my children try to put each other down, try to correct each other, and fight so they can be seen as right. As a parent it's easy to see they are insecure and are trying to find honor in being right, in knowing more, being smarter, or winning. But I can also see where they want honor; they are just frustrating the others and getting the opposite result. People don’t like to be humiliated, embarrassed, shown up, or interrupted. The one determined to show and prove their rightness is resented. I see this with kids, but I also see it in adults. I see it with coworkers and with couples. When we humbly walk in love, honoring those around us, we can build our relationships instead of tearing them down.