Relationships 101Sýnishorn

How to Fight Right - Keep the circle of offense small

One of Satan's strategies in our life is to spread toxic offense. The Bible warns in Hebrews that bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it, many become defiled. When someone does something that we don’t like there is a desire that comes to tell everyone how awful they are or were. But Jesus gives instructions for when we have a problem with someone in Matthew 18:15-17.

Matthew. 18:15-17 ESV - 15 "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Jesus' instructions were to go to them directly. When we tell others, we spread the circle of offense. We may hear friends ask if the group is still mad at someone. That shows that they have picked up the one person's offense. If, after going to them directly, they don’t listen to us, we are to get one or two others. The hope is that this will bring healing and understanding. If this doesn’t work, take them to the church leadership. If we are working to honor God, this is taking it back to the foundation of God and His Word. If the person doesn’t care what God says, then they aren’t following God. We can then change our expectations because they aren’t interested in doing what is right. Jesus said to treat them as an unbeliever. This comes back to the most important element of our foundation. In this case, it's recognizing you don’t have that foundation with this person. We can forgive for our freedom so we don’t live attached to the offense but not expect any difference from them.

When we share our offenses it doesn’t heal them, it spreads them. Hebrews 12:15 Says that when bitterness springs up, many become defiled. Many times, an offense happens, and then the person shares it with a few friends, who now are also offended. Then, the original person has a conversation with the offender, and they work through the offense. Forgiveness happens and they are free, but the people that they spread the offense to are still carrying it. Many times, we spread the circle of offense wide and the circle of healing small. We want to make sure we are spreading healing, not offense.