Love After Marriage: Steps to Reconciliation Sýnishorn

Day 3: Reconciliation and Conflict Resolution

There is a difference between reconciliation and conflict resolution. In the reconciliation process with a spouse, we are simply and fully acknowledging the way we have hurt or wronged our spouse. Reconciliation repairs wounded hearts; it does not solve problems. Conflict resolution is the process of coming to an agreement and making decisions together. If a couple cannot agree on where to go and how much to spend on summer vacation, that is a conflict resolution issue. It requires a solution. It is best to reconcile any hurts and restore a heart connection before trying to work through conflict. Jesus said, “The mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart” (Matthew 12:34). He is saying that whatever we feel in our hearts is going to find a way out through our words. If we do not reconcile our hearts before we try to work through conflict, it will be natural to speak out of the hurtful things that remain in our hearts. Trying to work through conflict while our hearts are still filled with hurt and offense is one of the reasons why people get stuck going around the same issues over and over.

Ponder & Pray: Lord, help me to leave my spouse feeling seen, known, understood and genuinely cared about as we work through this reconciliation tool. Help me to say the right words, out of my heart, that will bring healing and change to our marriage. Lead me to a place of humility and genuine care for how I have hurt my spouse.

Activation: Steps to Reconciliation Tool:

1. This is what I did wrong (share what caused the hurt), or this is what I did that hurt you.
2. This is the pain that I believe I put you through because of what I did. (Ex: I can see how my behavior has made you feel afraid, embarrassed, or undesirable) Also, ask for feedback to verify that you have accurately identified their pain.
3. This is how I feel about putting you through that pain (Don’t use statements like, “I feel like such a jerk or I feel like such an idiot.” Statements like these tend to make the other person want to take care of you.)
4. Express your sincere desire and intention to change this behavior and not bring this pain into the relationship in the future. (Stay clear from expressions like, “I promise to never get angry at you again” for example. It is better to express a genuine intention to change and then follow through).
5. Look at the other person and ask them, “Can you forgive me for this pain I have brought to you or this wrong I have done to you?

Note: If you go through this exercise with empty words and do not follow through with a sincere and diligent effort to change, you will only succeed in disappointing your spouse again and betraying his/her trust in you.