Love After Marriage: Steps to Reconciliation Sýnishorn

Day 2: Going Beyond “I’m Sorry”

When there is a very deep wound or repetitive wounding, reconciliation requires a more extensive process. Perhaps you have experienced times when “I’m sorry” did not bring the necessary healing, and the feelings of hurt and pain remained or even increased. One reason the pain remains even after saying “I’m sorry” is because the person who has been hurt still does not know if the one who is reconciling really cares or is just trying to do the right thing. In true reconciliation, we need to care more about the pain we have caused than about our own comfort. When we go beyond simply saying, “I’m sorry” and allow ourselves to feel and care about the pain we put our spouse through, then we move from only caring about what we did wrong to caring about how we affected our spouse-we move from doing the right thing to loving. Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15). Jesus was saying that love is the greatest motivator for obedience. The greatest motivator for change is love, not an obligatory adherence to what is right. If we reconcile out of genuine love and concern for our spouse, our spouse will have the most confidence that the change will last because it is motivated by love.

Ponder & Pray: Lord, help me to humble myself enough to care more about the pain I brought than about justifying myself, so I will be able to reconcile with genuine love and care toward my spouse.

Activation: Write down words that will communicate to your spouse that you understand the ways you brought pain to them because of something wrong or unnecessarily hurtful that you have done.