The Five Pillars of a Healthy MarriageSýnishorn

Taking Responsibility / Ownership

Today we talk about a key pillar that is essential for any relationship to flourish: ownership.

This speaks to each person taking ownership of their own growth and contribution to a relationship. It’s often easy to spot and identify the issues in our spouse. But when we become defensive about the things we need to take responsibility for, and we avoid owning them, we limit what God can do in us and our relationship.

John Gottman is an American psychologist whose work focuses on divorce prediction and marital stability through relationship analyses. His research on marriages reveals 69% of problems in marriage are perpetual. In other words, they are areas of difference that come up again and again. A few examples include; a spouse who is seemingly always late whilst the other is particular about being on time, one loves sport whilst the other would rather go on a beach walk, or one wants to go out and socialize whilst the other would prefer to stay home and watch a movie. These issues can be ones grounded in our upbringing, our personality, and our experiences, both good and bad. Usually, couples find themselves arguing over these same issues time and time again, and it leads to frustration. But trying to change our partner and forsaking our own growth is a recipe for chaos.

Jesus addresses this principle in the parable of the laborers. We find it in Matthew 20:1-16. A man hires laborers who agree to work for a set price for a day's work. Later in the day, he hires others and pays them a day's wages, even though they worked for less than a day. The first workers complained as it seemed unfair that they should receive less, but in turn, are rebuked as they had received what they had agreed to.

My understanding of this parable is that we are to take responsibility for our part in any transaction first and foremost. I am first responsible for my part in the relationship. Those things I said I would do, promised I would do, and vowed what I would do. If I’m unwilling to address myself first, I will gradually experience areas of separation in my relationships.

Addressed early enough in a marriage, taking ownership of your issues first demonstrates humility and willingness to make your marriage work. It can help to prevent the relationship from escalating towards a breakdown and possible abuse.

I always ask one question when sitting in on troubled marriages; “What has Holy Spirit asked of you personally, with regard to your part in this relationship?” Sadly, the response is often silence.

One common denominator I have found in troubled marriages is a focus on the other parties' issues and a failure to engage with our greatest advocate, Holy Spirit. I can assure you, He will ask you to take ownership of what God wants to do in you first.

Reflection

1. Take some time to reflect on your relationship and ask Holy Spirit to reveal what He wants you to address in your own life.

2. Ask Him to give you grace for the things in your partner that will never change and for your partner to have grace for the things in you that will never change.

3. Take some time to consider why you might be defensive in some areas of your relationship and ask the Holy Spirit to help you to give them to Him. They are strongholds against God’s grace in your life.