Dating Shouldn't SuckSýnishorn

Dating For Legacy

Do you believe how you date affects who you become? Do you believe how you date has consequences for future generations? Let me just tell you, my story is PROOF God cares about how we date and desires to use this season to heal us and help us become healthy stewards of not only our partner's heart but generations to come.

As I said in my subtitle, these are my unfiltered thoughts about love and relationships. The revelations I chose to share have been life-altering for me. Things I wish I knew and learned before dragging my relationship through the muck of my own issues. I got my gerbil, but I spent far too long demanding a refund and begging for a teddy bear. However, I wouldn't trade my journey for the world, as the revelations God has given me are worth far more than any Hallmark movie dream (although our story is pretty freaking epic). One final revelation I will leave you with is that love should be felt and an all-consuming force for both in the relationship, yet the enemy seeks to hinder your connection by using trauma from your past to create division.

Song of Solomon 8:6 says, "Love is as strong as death. Its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." These are pretty strong emotions, and I think the writer is trying to communicate something to us: real love that comes from God is powerful. It's enough to change you and sustain you for generations to come.

At the onset of my relationship, we both had titanium walls of self-protection and fears that hindered our passion from growing. For him, it stemmed from the pain of his childhood coming from a broken family, his dad in prison, and every woman he loved hurting him. For myself, the disappointment of years of unfruitful relationships, broken hearts, and resentment toward men. I was an island enchanted by a stronghold not easily broken. Neither of us truly knew what love was.

The first time I said "I love you" came like a rushing wave crashing into my soul and expressed in a romantic-- voice memo... Yeah, I know, not exactly a classy move, but I was overwhelmed, and it felt right at the time. My passion was triggered by an intense disagreement we had that left me questioning the relationship. Amid my pity party prayer session, God interrupted my schpeal of complaints and interjected a conviction that awakened love in me, a feeling I never felt before. God said, "Esther, you can choose to walk away from this relationship and continue to isolate yourself in singleness, avoiding conflict and coddling in your pride, or you can choose to stay and let love tear down your walls." I mean, that was one heck of a holy slap in the face! It took me about 24 hours to let it sink in, but the moment I surrendered to it, love flooded my heart, and a deep passion welled within me. However, my stubborn walls weren't going down that easy.

After I said, "I love you," I freaked out and didn't say it again for weeks. In fact, I became uncomfortable when he would tell me he loved me and instead would respond with, "Thank you" or a simple head nod, *Cringe*. The truth is I was defending the only part of me I knew to be true up to that point and felt threatened by the vulnerability of letting someone in, resulting in pushing him away. And when I pushed him away, it would trigger his wound of abandonment, resulting in saying hurtful things. We lived in this vicious cycle perpetuated by the pain of the past for far too long, but God had a greater purpose in it all.

As the months passed, our relationship journeyed through valleys of doubt, discouragement, heartache, and pain. The infatuation fantasy of our idealized versions of each other melted in the blazing fire of love, and all its mighty flames purified our motives, intentions, beliefs, and commitment. The testing of our love felt like a never-ending trial, nearly to the point of breaking. We arrived at the crossroads of ending our relationship many times, in prayerful consideration of what God was leading us to do. The pressure of these moments caused every idol of false worship to be uncovered and removed as we allowed Jesus to become king of our relationship, deepening our love with wild passion ignited for each other.

When I look back over the course of our relationship, I'm in awe of all God has done. We are not the same people mesmerized by each other on Valentine's Day one year ago (a story for another time). We are not who we imagined we were through the veil of our self-seeking desires. We've been transformed by Christ's love, humbled by the process of dying to ourselves, and brought to life by something far more real than anything we've ever known. I can whole heartily say we are IN love because love has had its way IN us, and as a result, how we feel about each other is as strong as death. It pales compared to previous loves, spurred on solely by how we felt for those individuals. I can't imagine the depths of love we will get to within a lifetime spent together if we continue doing this thing God's way.

How we've dated hasn't been perfect, but by the grace of God, to honor Him. Our dating season has been a time of powerful refinement that is shaping us to become equipped for the next season of marriage and parenthood. We've been delivered from strongholds, broken off generational curses, healed from the wounds of our past, and set free from lies that used to torment us. We're still on the journey, but confident of the legacy we can build together with Christ as the bedrock of our foundation.

There's a parable in Matthew 13:44 that Jesus shares about a man who finds a treasure in a field, goes home to sell all his possessions, and comes back not just for the treasure but to buy the field. I think the man did that because he had a vision for more than just what he could get for himself. I believe he imagined his future through the legacy of what he could do if he built a house on the field. Later on in the chapter, Jesus talks about how true disciples bring treasures out of the storeroom of their house to share with others. Somehow I think the two are related and a profound revelation of the love of God that is not only for our keeping but a blazing fire big enough for others to find warmth in. What if our relationships could emulate this same picture?

When you look into the eyes of your person, can you imagine the type of father/mother they'll one day be? Can you envision them laying down their life for your family? Can you picture them selling everything in obedience to Christ? Now that's sexy! That's real love. That's that fiery stuff Solomon was talkin' about. The world is consumed with looking for a spark, but sparks are short-lived. A blazing fire, on the other hand, will last a lifetime.

Let's get one last thing straight on our final day hanging out together (tbh, I feel like this devotional is like Jesus taking you all on dates I planned, lol): dating does not have to be boring, religious, rigid, or rules-oriented. It can and should be a ton of fun! But it will also be a refining experience that transforms you to be more like Christ if you do it right.

When I was single, I encountered many married people offering the same piece of 'advice': "Relationships are hard," they'd say like a resounding gong. It's as if they were trying to talk me out of wanting to be married. This never sat well with me, but now being on the other side of singleness, I understand the jist of what they were trying to communicate but disagree with the statement. If I could reframe it for all of us and contextualize it more accurately, I'd put it like this: LOVE is hard, but the greatest adventures always are.

Dating for legacy is an intentional approach to making healthy decisions for yourself, those who will come after you, and those who you are called to reach. It really doesn't have to suck if you walk it well, steward the revelations God has given you, live set apart, and do the hard work of love in and out of singleness. After all, the hard work of love is not contingent on romantic relationships but can be applied to all areas of loving people. Why not begin putting in the work now, seeking healing on your journey, and asking God for guidance each step of the way as you find your gerbil and live the adventure?

My final challenge to you: Reflect on how you've dated in the past and what you'd like to change moving forward. What wounds may God want to heal in this season? Are you dating for legacy? Has love had its way IN you before you were IN love? Are you chasing a spark, or are you building a flame? Is the enemy creating division by tormenting you with fear from your past? Seek mentorship to find healing and deliverance as you pursue a healthy and whole relationship.

If you enjoyed this plan, you'll love Esther's book 'Single Shouldn't Suck'! Click here to learn more!

For more from the author follow her journey on IG @esthermariecottle or read my other plans here