Dating Shouldn't SuckSýnishorn

Falling in Love is a Scam

Did you know there's a difference between infatuation and truly loving someone? In fact, science proves that an infatuation is fueled by hormones in the brain that last between 18 months-3 years. Sorry to break it to you, but that guy/girl you've been drooling over for months and dreaming about what your future kids will look like is nothing more than a chemical high based on a fantasy you've created about them. You may even go on to date your crush, but because of your infatuation, you will be dating an idealized version of them for up to 3 years; * insert mind-blown sound here*.

I'll admit, I'm a hopeless romantic, like levels of cheesy that shouldn't even be legal. I fully believed both God, Hallmark and my fairy godmother would align the cosmos to reveal my one true love. Ok, maybe not that extreme, but I totally awaited my prince charming whilst living my best freaking life. Whoever invented Hallmark, I want their name and address STAT. We must discuss the absolute brainwashing they’ve conspired against the female brain. I’ve been in a relationship for an entire year, and we have yet to bake a cake together and get into a flour-throwing food fight that ends in a proposal. I feel robbed.

I’m kidding, of course. I don’t feel robbed; I feel lied to, and I realize many of the expectations I placed on my relationship were contrived out of the consumption of perfectly curated moments on screens right before the director yells, “CUT.”

Instead of a wild romance, being in this relationship has felt more like refinement, responsibility, and a journey of restoration. I’m learning real romance is found when all our walls come down, the candles die out, and the lights come on to expose our flaws.

Before this relationship, I never anticipated how being loved by someone would be harder than falling in love with them. And being in love looks a lot more like surrendering control when your best self is nowhere to be found and your ugly self is welcomed into open arms.

I never imagined in a million years how my expectations of being loved could be so astronomically demanding for fear of losing control. Love could be poured out on me, and I would want nothing to do with it. Love could present itself through imperfect moments, and I would reject it out of fear of vulnerability. I never knew I could be so cold-hearted and make someone feel inadequate for not riding in on a white horse like Taylor Swift told me he would. (Darn you, Taylor Swift. I'd like a word with you too).

The truth is we grapple with the human experience of loving because we truly don't know what it looks like. We're conditioned to pine for perfection-- unblemished, scripted, and curated ‘love’ to meet our idealistic expectations. But that's not the true definition of love.

According to Jesus, the truest form of love is to lay your life down for your friend (John 15:13). Huh? “But Jesus, if I lay my life down, how will I get to experience the benefits of that love? I’ll be dead….” I really began to ponder this as I questioned why my story felt far from the fairytales I'd hoped for. And then, it hit me.

Remember that time Jesus died on the cross for our sins? He did it so we could live, right? He died, buried our sins, and then came back to life so we could experience eternal life. Beautiful. I love it. So now what? The Bible tells us that once we give our life to Christ, our old nature dies, and our new nature is raised to life with Him. Paul says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me,” (Galatians 2:20). And Jesus boldly states, "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it,” (Matthew 16:14). So what I gather from this is: the minute I submit to the reversed engineered way of loving, i.e., laying my life down and dying to myself, I will be resurrected to experience the true love that comes from eternity. Yo, this is way better than the coolest sci-fi movie! But how do we achieve this?

The movies turn us into idealists with an insatiable appetite for infatuation. Culture wires our expectations to demand our self-seeking wants. In fact, it praises you for indulging in your feelings, getting what you want (ahem, Ariana Grande), and ending relationships if they are no longer self-serving. I hate to break it to you, but you've been sold an actual scam that will only suck you into a cycle of perpetual heartache as you allow your pride to harden your heart and keep every opportunity to be loved at arm's length.

The good news is you don't have to believe that crap anymore. It's time to re-calibrate your expectations for love and relationships by looking at the origins of love: "God is love..." (1 John 4:16). "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters, " (1 John 3:16).

Infatuations are overrated, selfish, and entirely based on the chemical experience you have about an imaginary person. If you haven't had the chance to see and accept someone's flaws, you're buying into an idealistic knock-off version of them. Falling in love is nothing more than an emotional high. Being in love with someone doesn't truly happen by accident. If it's real, it's an intentional, beautiful, and awakening experience of what love truly is.

Reflection: Love is a wild adventure of dying. Are you ready for it? What could be the positive outcomes of dying to yourself? Why is true love worth dying for when infatuation is easier to attain? How has your dating experience been influenced by your self-seeking wants, and what unhealthy habits/expectations have you developed as a result?