Dating Shouldn't SuckSýnishorn

Friendship on Fire

What if I told you my parents have been married for 42 years but never dated? Well, consider yourself told. And no, it wasn't an arranged marriage. They were friends for several years, attended the same church, and hung around each other in the same circle of friends. What’s even more remarkable is that my Mom didn’t really like my Dad. The story of how they got engaged is still a little hazy. Somehow, they got into a discussion one night and ended up engaged. No one knows exactly how that happened. But one thing is sure, their love for God and the vision for the life they wanted to live serving Him were the same. Forty-two years later, with five kids, nine grandkids, and thousands of lives around the world transformed by the power of the gospel they preached shows that their commitment to God and each other has stood the test of time.

I remember hearing this story and wondering what on earth came over them to make such a pivotal life decision without first falling in love with each other. Yet, love permeated through their relationship, and there was indeed passion (I mean, five kids didn't just fall from the sky). Something about their revelation about love, marriage, and God is the anchor that has held them secure through the storms of life. A lost revelation for my generation and one I am still coming to understand.

Before I was sucked into the relationship vortex, I was certain I'd follow the trail of butterflies that led me to fall in love with the man of my dreams. But my self-focused expectations hindered any such love from growing. I was completely unaware of my idealism, yet I also had genuine expectations normal for any new budding romance. I wanted flowers, love notes, wooing, love songs, and dedications of his undying love painted in the sky. I mean, is that really too much to ask? Ok, maybe a tad, but the core of my desire was good and healthy, yet the external pressure I placed on him to perform for me created a culture of conditional love. Not to mention, he had his own journey of healing from broken relationships and trauma from his past that he was navigating amidst our relationship.

A few months into dating, we made plans to meet up for dinner in a beautiful location near the beach. I was already feeling disappointed by the lack of flowers at my door but determined to doll myself up and make the best of the night. I remember walking down the sidewalk to meet him and passing a stranger who complimented me on how beautiful I looked in my dress. I was feeling good and hopeful we'd have a good night. And then, I saw him approaching from a distance, and my jaw just about hit the ground: he was wearing shorts and flip-flops. What?! Immediately, he knew something was wrong, and it only took about 0.8 seconds of silent treatment for me to ask him why he chose the surfer boy wardrobe package for the night. This resulted in an argument on our way to the restaurant, and all the joy was sucked out of the evening.

Looking back on that night, I can't help but laugh at my immature response. While my feelings to be honored by someone taking time to plan ahead and look nice for me is valid, my overly sensitive and easily offended heart was in no way honoring to him or God. I wish I could say I immediately had a change of heart, but instead, it took a series of similar events over a few months to reveal the nasty pride that showed up every time my needs went unmet. I had become critical, demanding, and hard to please because I viewed myself as deserving of the world on a silver platter (after all, I was the queen of being single and deserved to be dazzled like true royalty).

You see, our dating season will either be a beautiful refinement of pride to prepare us for marriage or a beautiful distraction until an even more destructive storm hits to bring it all to the surface (usually after we're married). With all the swiping, Snapping, TikToking, Dming, and sexting, little room remains for a real relationship to take shape.

Our prideful agenda in dating has made us self-consumed bystanders of our destiny, still longing to be loved but pining for perfection with idealistic infatuations. It's a never-ending revolving door of disappointment, and the scary part is an entire generation is caught up in it. Dating to get what you want seems normal, but in reality, it's an isolating road that leads to deception and hope deferred (a reminder of the inverted system of love Jesus showed us). Dating with the intention of making someone else's life better and loving them above your own needs is the road that leads to ultimate connection.

A few hours ago, I took a break to get my nails done and started chatting with a nice lady next to me. "That's a pretty ring," I said, pointing to the diamond ring on her left finger. "Oh, thank you! It was a gift from my husband for our 50th wedding anniversary." I gasped. "Wow, congratulations. That's so beautiful to hear. What's one piece of advice you would give a youngster like me," I leaned in. She paused for just a second before confidently saying, "Stay friends and laugh a lot. Because there are some hard things life will throw at ya, and you'll want someone to laugh with." I nodded my head and thanked her as thoughts of my own parent's story rekindled in my memory. One word stood out amongst the rest: friends. And then again, I remembered the words of Jesus, "No greater love than to lay your life down for a friend." There it was again. Maybe the secret to a happy dating life that leads to a healthy marriage is being a good friend. Not that you shouldn't also be attracted (believe me, God cares about that dynamic, too), but the core of how you treat your partner and manage expectations should be the same as you would treat any friend. What if we approached dating with the same intentional expectations as we would a friendship-- pursuing getting to know them with curiosity, wonder, and honor? Sure, there are a few extra sparks and chemistry within a dating dynamic, but what if you held onto healthy boundaries, maintained enough mystery to keep the friendship alive, and left room enough to let passion grow?

Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves." The problem is many singles are lost in the swirl of emotions and stuck in this cycle of selfish ambition, vain conceit, and conditional love-type relationships. With this system, It's no shocker your dating life sucks. But If you want the real thing and are tired of repeating unhealthy cycles in your dating life, stay in pursuit of the things that matter most, the things that last all the way to a 50th wedding anniversary.

Reflection: How have you allowed the relationship vortex to suck you into a prideful hunt to get what you want? Do you struggle with being demanding and critical, or are you hard to please? Do you struggle with perfectionism? Ask God to reveal to you the root of this.