Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal By Dr. Sheri KefferSýnishorn

Day Six

Taking Control

Scripture: Psalm 6:2

Every betrayed spouse has to deal with two serious blows. The first hit is hearing about the sex acts themselves. The second shocking jolt comes as we realize our husbands have been lying to us to hide what they’ve done. At that point, our thoughts tend to follow a pattern: 

1) If I can get you to stop doing the thing that’s causing me so much pain . . . 

2) then all this craziness and agony will stop . . .

3) and then I will be safe, and can get the love and stability I’m looking for. 

The problem is there are two people involved in this story. Both have the ability to change and both have the ability to choose. When one party is choosing to sexually deceive the other, it’s not even a horse race. No matter how much you want your spouse or loved one to stop lying and sexually acting out, if he doesn’t want to, he will choose sexual infidelity over his recovery and you. 

This may be the most painful reality we have to face: We can’t stop the men we love from doing the things they do. It’s ultimately their choice. Others often misunderstand our attempts to control the uncontrollable. To simply be told, “You need to stop controlling,” or “Quit your detective behavior,” only increases our shame. We feel blindfolded and punched at the same time. Control becomes a knee-jerk reaction to stop what’s hurting us. 

My marriage felt like a ship at sea and our boat was taking on water. I grabbed buckets and desperately tried to bail water out for both of us. My control was a frantic attempt to keep the boat from sinking. For almost a decade we dealt with cannonball after cannonball, discovery after discovery, hitting the ship. Eventually I realized I needed to figure out what choices I could make. I had to become my own captain on a sinking ship. 

Even though trying to control others isn’t healthy, it’s what we often do when we’ve been hurt. Taking the time to soulfully unpack the traumatic events in your life, past or present, is important for your recovery’s sake. That’s what you can control. And freedom is possible. I not only believe it’s possible; I’m a walking billboard to prove it.

In what ways might you be trying to bail water out of your own sinking ship? Take some time to reflect on what you can and can’t control. What things can you do to restore safety in your relationship?