Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal By Dr. Sheri KefferSýnishorn

Day Two 

Courage Is a Decision

Scripture: Joshua 1:9

You don’t have to look beyond Facebook, the latest TED Talk, or even your own front door to see the devastating impact of sexual deception and betrayal. Think about: 

• the shock 

• the far-reaching impact 

• the mind-numbing disbelief about what has happened 

• the words you’ve read, the pictures you’ve uncovered, the conversations you’ve overheard, or the unforgettable situation you unknowingly walked into 

It’s like walking into an angry nest of wasps. A honeybee can only sting once. As its barbed weapon becomes lodged in its victim, the bee dies. But a wasp’s stinger remains intact, so it can sting over and over. When a betrayed partner is still living with a sexually addicted husband or a serial cheater, the chronic pain and ongoing deception repeatedly sting. 

We are walking wounded. I’ve heard your stories, and I have my own. The pain is insidious, and I’m deeply grieved over what has happened to you. How could the one you chose to love share sacred intimacies with someone else? How could this have happened to you?

When I began to suspect my husband of pornography addiction, I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to know. Denial had become my friend, or so I thought. I too was keeping secrets; I was keeping a secret from myself. As a way of coping with my pain, I didn’t want to see what was real. There was too much at stake. Both of us were in denial, me in my traumatically induced protective denial and my husband in his denial of the severity of his addiction. Denial quietly opened the door for the sexual deception to continue to grow, underground. 

If you are in a similar situation, let me make myself very clear: his sexual acting out is never your fault. You are not a collaborator in his choices.

What I’ve learned is that courage isn’t a feeling; it’s a decision. I came to a point when I opened my eyes, faced reality, and looked at what was really going on. It’s what I called “the end of pretend” and it is one of the first steps toward healing. 

Why does it take courage to face reality? What is the difference between having a feeling of courage and making a decision to be courageous?