Day 28

Defeating Shame

Yesterday we looked at the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “I’ve done something bad,” but shame says, “I am bad.” There is self-loathing and a sense of worthlessness at the core of shame. A person’s shame declares some version of “I am not enough,” “There is something wrong with me”, or “I don’t matter.”

Shame researcher Dr. Brené Brown says, “Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” It is easy to imagine how this intensely negative emotion fuels other emotions like self-doubting, anxiety and depression, among others.

On the surface, a person may appear to be medicating their anxiety and stress with porn. But digging deeper often reveals shame fueling these other emotions. This is why shame is considered to be the most powerful of all drivers of a porn addiction. Shame often has its roots in trauma the person experienced.

The Bible commands vulnerability when it instructs us to confess. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed….” The word healed in the Greek means “to cure” or “to make whole.” Healing toward wholeness takes place when we are vulnerable about our sin with one another.

Modern day research is validating what the Bible has said all along. Dr. Brené Brown says, “When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming someone or something else, rationalizing or hiding out.” Unaddressed shame keeps people rationalizing instead of repenting. It keeps them feeling hopeless instead of believing freedom is possible. Shame controls the porn user.

Confession—including naming shame and sharing it with others—brings healing. If you feel shame, name it. Brown says, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.” When people share about shameful things in their past, it takes away their power as triggers. This is what makes obeying the command to confess so important.

“You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.” - Dr. Ted Roberts

Read these three testimonies of people who experienced the healing that comes with vulnerability.

How did being vulnerable and sharing your porn story help you find freedom?

“It took me being open with others to bring them into this vulnerable area of my life before I started experiencing healing and freedom. Being vulnerable with the girls in my group has removed a lot of the shame. It has led to us having a group with real sisterhood and trust between us. Without being real, it was too easy to keep parts of my addiction hidden.” —Jessica 

“Vulnerability was a major part of me deciding to fight. Before opening up, I was just stuck, defeated, and had given up. Sharing my struggle helped diffuse the negative feelings of shame and hopelessness, so I could actually start moving toward a solution.” —Ben

“I had never actually admitted to someone that I watched porn regularly or that I was feeling it was a problem. Until I verbalized it to someone else, it was easy to convince myself it’s not a big deal and that I didn’t need to take action, even though I knew I needed and wanted freedom from it. If I had never shared my story with others, I know I would have never found true freedom.” —Lucas

If you want freedom, you must be vulnerable and share those things that cause you shame. You will need a safe and trusted person to share with. If you don’t have one, pray and ask God to provide this person.

Today’s Challenge:    

1. Read Romans 7:23-25a.     
2. Answer the reflection questions below.

“I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” - Romans 7:23-25a

Reflection Questions:    

1. How is Paul vulnerable in this passage?    
2. How does he take responsibility?    
3. Who does Paul look to for freedom from his struggle? How does Jesus and following Jesus’ word help a person break free?    
4. How has shame kept you stuck in a pattern of sin? Who is a safe person you can confess to?

How are your holy habits?

#1 Confession

#2 Bible Reading and Prayer

#3 Use and practice BRACE

#4 Check in with accountability