Beyond Awkward Side HugsIhe Atụ

One concern I hear from young men in the church is that it often feels so high risk to date. I recall one nervous student confessing he had a crazy crush on a lovely young woman in our church, and asking my husband and me for advice on how to ask her out. “What kinds of things have you two talked about before?” my husband asked, and the young man stared sheepishly at the floor. He’d never actually talked to the girl. Just admired her from afar. Despite being a sociable guy with friends throughout the group, he’d never known how to start a conversation with someone he liked. . . .

If we’re not living in a community where men and women can talk to one another as brothers and sisters, starting that first conversation might feel like crossing a giant abyss. But if we’re in a community where we work together, talk together, . . . and worship together as friendly brothers and sisters, then the segue to having longer, more sustained conversations in dating isn’t as vast a leap.

I often come across young adults who tell me with some anxiety that they’re not sure they know how to date. I’m eager to encourage them that, really, they already know more than they think. Dating (and marriage) are not some other category of relationship that requires a completely other set of mysterious skills. The skills they already have in building friendships are the same skills to bring to bear in dating. If they know how to have a conversation, take turns at washing dishes or riding shotgun, laugh around a dinner table, and talk through a conflict, those are the exact same skills that make dating (and marriage) possible and pleasurable. Dating is just a particular application of a relational skill set they’ve already been working on all their lives.