The Marriage Talks Part 2 | Love & RespectEsimerkki

Day 5 | 1 Peter 3:7 & Proverbs 31 | Her Respect Language

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Welcome back everyone to The Marriage Talks. Kris Langham with you again. This is the final day of Part 2! Today we’re in Proverbs 31 to talk about her respect language.

Husbands, listen carefully. You are called to lead. That’s Biblical. But what does that look like? Does it mean that you make all the decisions? Call the shots with no input from your wife or kids?

Guys. I hope you see by now that that is not biblical. But think about it. Have you ever worked a job where your boss didn’t listen to you or respect your skills? It’s frustrating. And it’s bad leadership. Husband, the Bible calls you leader, not tyrant. Head, not overlord. So lead well. Lead like Jesus.

And there are many different leadership styles that work. Coaches have different styles. So do CEOs. And in your family, your leadership style may change depending on culture, personalities, and relationships. The Bible leaves you plenty of room to figure that out, but tyranny never works.

So today: husband, respect your wife. The Bible commands it. 1st Peter 3:7:

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…”(1 Peter 3:7).

Be considerate as in think. Ponder, ask, learn, and understand your wife. And treat her with respect. But just like we saw with love, the word here for respecting her is different in Greek. Not phobeo, but ti-may. It means to honor or esteem. It means that you respect her value and show her dignity. Husband, honor your wife with the value that Christ paid for her. Jesus paid with his very life. He treasures her, and He entrusted her into your care.

The verse goes on:

“…treat her with respect as the weaker partner…” (1 Peter 3:7).

Woah woah. Hold on. Weaker partner? Why is she weaker?

Well, let’s be real. In a husband-wife arm wrestling match, most of the time a husband will win. Not always, but that’s not the point here. As we saw before, never read a godly command from a worldly perspective. Again and again, the Bible says that God chooses the weak things to confound the strong (1 Corinthians 1:27), and that God is strong in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Spiritually speaking, we need weakness. We cannot know His strength without it. And in a partnership between husband and wife, he needs her weakness.

Think about it. Why is it that in so many couples the wife keeps the family drawing near to God. Not all,but many. And why are 80% of single missionaries around the world women? And how is that a woman who is physically weaker can hold her family together when the man gives up? Women have a strength, a strength that oftentimes is founded in their weakness.

Husband, recognize that God designed the two of you to function together, to follow Him together. And when trials hit, your wife - in her blessed weakness - will often be the first to recognize your need for God. Listen to her. And as she calls on God’s strength, she will look to you to deliver it. So be strong - by letting God’s strength come through. And show respect for your weaker partner. You need her. Honor her. Honor the value that she brings to your marriage. Back in 1st Peter:

“…treat her with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7).

Catch that. She is an "heir with you." In God’s Kingdom, you are both heirs to the King, and that makes you equal. Your wife is a daughter of the King. Treat her accordingly. And notice, if you don’t, your prayers will be hindered. Don’t expect God to listen if you don’t show respect to his daughter.

So what speaks respect to her? Proverbs 31. The famous passage about the noble wife. But sadly, it’s usually taught to women as directions for being a good wife. And that’s fine, but read it carefully. The chapter was written by a mom teaching her son to appreciate the value of his wife. Now women can learn from it, but the express purpose of the chapter is to teach a man to honor his wife.

So what does Proverbs 31 say to husbands? Again, you might want to write these down, because we’re gonna talk through them in the discussion. So pause now if you need to grab a pencil.

Okay, five keys to her respect language from Proverbs 31:

#1. Value her. Verse 10:

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies” (Proverbs 31:10).

Men, your wife is the most valuable thing in your care. Treat her accordingly. Protect her. Guard her with your life according to her great value.

#2. Trust her. Value her opinion and her wisdom. Verse 11 says:

“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value” (Proverbs 31:11).

In verse 26:

“She speaks with wisdom” and offers “faithful instruction” (Proverbs 31:26).

Men, I’m gonna confess something here. For years I sort of unconsciously operated as if God put me in charge because I was smarter. I was wrong. What I realize now is that God put me in charge, and he gave my wife the wisdom that I needed to hear. That gives me a possibility for humility. It’s humbling for me to lead someone who is quite often smarter than me. It’s humbling for her to follow a dummy like me. Don’t misunderstand - I’m an intelligent enough person. But wow can I be dumb sometimes! Yet so often I am saved if I just listen to my wife.

Now a couple years ago, I figured out a method. And it’s genius. But don’t tell your wife. Wife - don’t listen for a moment. I call it the husband’s easy win on small decisions. On small matters, if she has an idea, I go with her plan. Now hear me out. A. My wife has better street sense than me. Seriously. I have proven this a thousand times over. And B. If she’s wrong, I still win. Because I respected her.

Example. Say you’re driving, and she says, “Turn here.” But you’re not sure if it’s the right way. Quick decision - what should you do? The answer: Listen to your wife and take the turn. If she’s like my wife, she’s probably right - certainly more often than I am. But what if she’s not? So what. You lost a couple minutes on a wrong turn, but you respected her opinion, and that’s worth way more that a couple minutes. And if she’s right, then you gained a couple minutes, dodged an argument, and showed her respect. It’s a win-win. I’m telling you guys, it works. Okay, she can listen again.

Now I say all that half joking, because the responsibility is on you husband to make decisions, and you should not shirk that responsibility, and put the weight on her.

This is especially important if you have kids. Dads, your wife has ten-thousand small decisions pressed upon her every day by your kids. “Mom what shoes should I wear? Mom what’s for dinner? Mom, mom, mom…” If that sounds like your wife’s daily experience, she’ll probably appreciate if you make some decisions and let her relax. But we’re all different - so communicate and find out what would bless her.

Keep the balance. Listen to her - even honor her by holding her opinion higher than others. But when she needs a break from responsibility - man up and make the decision. Okay…

#3 Empower her. Look back at the noble wife in verse 16:

“She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard” (Proverbs 31:16).

Notice that this woman can earn her own money and use it to invest as she chooses. A field is a major purchase! That woman is empowered by her husband.

#4 Recognize her strength. It is different from yours and you need it. Verse 25:

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31:25).

#5 Praise her. Chicks appreciate praise, and your wife deserves some. Verse 28

“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her” (Proverbs 31:28).

Men, tell your wife how great she is, and teach your kids to do the same. Praise her in public. Defend her before others, especially when your kids challenge her, or your parents. Make it clear you are on her side.

And when you do, check out what she does for you. Verse 23:

“Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land” (Proverbs 31:23).

So that brings us to..

#6 Acknowledge the respect that she brings you.

Men, your wife is one of the main reasons that other people respect you. So pass it along. When people honor you, give her some credit.

Now there’s a lot more to Proverbs 31, so in our next series we’ll dig deeper. But right now, it’s time for discussion.

For Thought & Discussion

Question #1: Look over the keys of her respect language. Again, add anything that you think I missed. Then give each one a score from 1 to 10 on how important that is to you. Men, rate how important you think it is to her. Then compare and discuss.

Question #2: Decide which ones you want to work on. Men, pick to you want to improve on. And ladies, pick two you need some more of. And get specific. Talk through real life situations.

And that does it. This is the last day of Part 2, so I gotta say goodbye. I’m gonna miss you guys… until Part 3! Our next series is all about the Covenant. We’ll talk about commitment, holiness, the joy of marriage, and the life of no shame. And you’ll finally get to hear from my wife! That’s all in Part 3.

And if you like these, I want to invite you to check out all of our Bible studies. Through the Word has audio guides for every chapter in the Bible in our Explained series. From Genesis Explained to Revelation Explained. Or take on one of our 19 Journeys through the whole Bible. You can find many of them here on this app, or get all of them free on the Through the Word app at throughtheword.org.

Thanks so much for joining me. Remember to read Proverbs 31, pray together, and have a great discussion. Speak with grace, listen with humility, and no shaming. And I’ll see you on the next journey!

Reading: 1 Peter 3:7 & Proverbs 31:10-33

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.