The Marriage Talks Part 2 | Love & RespectEsimerkki

Day 3 | Ephesians 5:21 & 5:33 | Respect

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Welcome back my friends to the Marriage Talks by Through the Word. Kris Langham with you once again. Today we get the balance of our two marriage fundamentals. First it was love, today it’s time for some respect. (No, I’m not gonna spell it. Aretha already made it sound really cool. I just sound like a goob. So I deleted that version).

The topic is respect. And some of you are saying, "It’s about time we got to the heart of the matter." Respect is crucial. But respect can mean different things to different people. A little story.

I was on the phone with a married couple who were on their way to meet my wife and I for dinner. They were on speaker. The wife asked about directions. The husband said, “Don’t worry, I know the way.” But the wife pressed, “Are you sure? It wouldn’t hurt to double-check.” He assured her he’s been there before. He’s got this. She hesitated, then said to me, “Why don’t you just tell us just to make sure we don’t get lost.” Silence. Then he said to her, “Why don’t I just hand you my…” Um, maybe I shouldn’t repeat the whole sentence. Keeping it PG here.

Now my question to you is: Which one of the two do you think showed disrespect? The answer is of course both of them. But I guarantee you, they each read the situation very differently. And you and your spouse probably do too. Respect is important to all of us, but our respect languages are not the same.

Our key verse is again Ephesians 5:33 - the summary verse for the Bible’s most important chapter on marriage. Speaking first to husbands:

“…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

Notice again: different instructions. As we shall see, respect - like love - is essential for both husband and wife, and the Bible calls for both. But it’s different for the guys. Don’t believe me ladies? Try starting a conversation about respect with your man, and watch how he responds. Respect is a two way street, but I guarantee the traffic looks different on the other side. Women need respect, but men live there. They are wired that way. More importantly, if you respect the Bible and want God’s instruction for your marriage, God commands you: wives, respect your husband.

Wife, your husband’s need for respect runs. God put it there. And there is no one in the entire world that he needs to feel that respect from more than you. Wife, God has entrusted you with a power greater than you can possibly understand. You have the power - in your words and actions - to make your husband feel like he can do anything. With your respect - with your trust in him and your faith in his ability and calling - your husband could take on the world. But wife, understand that with just a few words, you could also destroy your man. When you say with your words or actions, "I don’t believe in you," he’s done.

Now maybe you think I’m overstating it, or understating a wife’s need for respect. Maybe I am, or maybe I just don’t know your marriage dynamic. Because you are unique. But the point is not my opinion on this, the point is what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your marriage. We’re all different, so we each need to take the time to learn our spouse’s respect language. The best way to start that is ask them: What speaks respect to you?

But before you talk, let’s start with a biblical definition for respect. The Bible talks about respect many times. 1st Peter 2:

“Show proper respect to everyone” (1 Peter 2:17a).

But the word in Greek there is different. It’s tim-ay. It means to honor, or attribute proper value or authority. We see that again in Romans 12:

“Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10b).

That’s important, but the word here in Ephesians 5 is a little stronger. It is phobeo. It means respect, treat with regard and reverence, or fear. The word is sometimes used to talk about the shaking in your boots kind of fear. But more often, it’s used to describe a person whose actions are strongly influenced by their concern for what someone else thinks. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, like peer pressure.

“The fear of man is a snare” (Proverbs 29:25 HCSB).

But it’s also used in a very positive way when it refers to the fear of the Lord. Proverbs says:

“The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life” (Proverbs 14:27).

Respecting God - being concerned for what He thinks - is healthy fear. And that is the same word used here:

“…the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

Now I have to admit, that gave me pause. Does the Bible tell the wife to respect or fear her husband the same way she fears God? Because he is most certainly not God. Then I realized - that same verse tells the husband to love his wife, and it uses the word agape - the same word for love that describes the way Jesus loves us. So yeah - the stakes are that high and the words are that big.

But catch the context. We all know that the husband is not God. On his own, he is not even capable of loving like God does. But the husband is called to love His wife - as Christ loves the church. That doesn’t just mean - in a similar way. It means as part of. In other words it does not say, look at Jesus and copy Him. It says, allow Jesus’ love to flow through you to your wife.

Husband, your heart cannot produce nor could it ever contain the love of God for your wife. But you can open your heart for His love to flow through you toward her.

And wife, no matter how hard your husband tries or doesn’t try, he will never be worthy of all the respect that God deserves. And yet, you are called to show God respect by respecting your husband. Direct your respect for the Lord through your husband.

The love and the respect that God calls for between husband and wife are the very same words used for God’s love for us and our respect for Him because they are His love and our respect. It all works as one. We love each other because He first loved us. We respect each other because God deserves our respect. God comes first.

Now the wife might say, my husband needs to earn my respect. But what if your husband said that about love? In Christian marriage, neither love nor respect are earned. They are given. It may not be easy, but this is how it works. We love and we respect, not based on merit, but on obedience to God’s command. Not because your spouse has earned it, but because God has earned it.

And we respect because God has respected us. He redeemed us, restored our worth, made us respectable. That’s why back in verse 21, the call to submit to others is done out of reverence for Christ. He earned the respect, but He asks us to direct that respect toward one another.

Now there’s more to this, so we’ll come back to it tomorrow. For now, let’s get to the discussion questions. Just like yesterday, I want you to write your answers first, then share and discuss.

For Thought & Discussion:

Question #1: What speaks respect to you? List four important things - they can be words or actions. Don’t share yet.

Question #2: How do you speak respect to your spouse? Again, write four things, and keep it to yourself.

Once you both have answers to both questions, it’s time to share and compare. And we’ll be back tomorrow to talk more about the difference between his respect language and her respect language.

Read Ephesians 5:21, 5:33 & Proverbs 14:27

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.