The Marriage Talks Part 2 | Love & RespectEsimerkki

Day 1 | 1st John 3:16-18 | Love

This devotional works best as an audio experience. Hit the play button now, and read along if you like.

Hello and welcome to the Marriage Talks Part 2! My name is Kris Langham, and whether you are returning or just joining in, I’m glad you’re here! I love this topic. But I have to admit, it’s not an easy one. Marriage is, at its best, beautiful beyond words. At its worst, it’s a train wreck - with lots of casualties. Marriage can be the source of our greatest joys, or at the core of our deepest hurts. Or it can be both, or neither, or all over the place.

Marriage is complicated, and the Bible does not offer easy answers. But it does have good answers, and that’s what we’re here for. Over the next few studies, we’ll open up the Word to some of the Bible’s most important passages on marriage. Here in Part 2, we’ll focus on two absolute essentials to a strong marriage: love and respect.

These are big. Love and respect are to your marriage like food and water to your body. You can try to survive without them, but it won’t be pretty. And most of us know that. But sometimes our best attempts to show love and respect to our spouse get lost in translation. Which is weird because we speak the same language. So how do we love and respect in a way that our partner understands?

That’s all ahead. But first a quick review of how this plan works. Our focus is the Bible and what it says about marriage. I’ll be here to explain and apply, but really I’m the third most important player in this operation. This plan is about God’s Word - and your marriage. Or your upcoming marriage! Welcome husbands and wives to be!

So each day you’ll do three things: listen to the audio guide, read the Bible, and talk through the discussion questions. The discussion is important, and you can do that as a couple or with a small group, either online or in person. But if it’s just me and you, that’s good too.

So let’s dig in. We begin right where we left off: at the end of Ephesians 5, perhaps the Bible’s most essential chapter on marriage. The last verse summarizes the heart of it. Verse 33, speaking first to husbands:

“…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

There it is: love and respect. Interesting, the husband is called to love, and the wife to respect. Why the difference? We’ll see later that love and respect are both necessary in both directions.

But the order here is significant. The Lord gave us different roles, and He wired us with different needs. He just made us different. And thank God for that, because two of me would not work. So husband, love. And wife, respect.

And this is where humility comes in. Remember ingredient number one. And Philippians told us:

“…in humility, consider others more important than yourself” (Philippians 2:3).

See marriage isn’t about giving the other person what you want or need. It’s about understanding what they need and giving that. It doesn’t work to say, “If I were you, I would want such-and-such.” The reality is you’re not them, and they’re not you. But finding what they need takes humility.

Husband, your wife needs to know that she is loved. Wife, your husband needs to know he is respected. We’re gonna focus on love first.

So let’s back up a bit to verse 25:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

The first thing to notice is the Bible’s order of operations. The fairy tales all told us to get married because we were in love. Love is the condition, marriage is the action. The Bible reverses it. Give love because you’re in marriage. Marriage is the condition, love is the action. Don’t miss this! That simple change of order changes everything.

See we’re used to thinking of love as something that just happens to you, like winning the lottery. Or something you fall into, like a trap door. But would God really create love as some unstoppable and capricious force of nature? In the Bible, love is a choice. And in marriage, it is a thousand choices every day. It is the actions you take and sacrifices that you make, for your spouse and your family. Love is a verb.

Look back at verse 25. Love your wife

"...just as Jesus loved the church and gave himself for her" (Ephesians 5:25).

Jesus didn’t just have fuzzy feelings for us. He served, he healed, he washed feet, he persevered through hard times, he worked, and he laid down his life.That is the action of love. 1st John 3:16 explains it simply:

“This is how we know what love is, Jesus Christ laid down his life for us” (1 John 3:16).

That is true love. Then John calls us to love…

“…not with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18).

Now that is not to discount the feeling of love. That feeling is amazing. But if you wait for that feeling to hit you before you act on love, you’re not obeying God but your flesh. And just as quickly and easily as that feeling led you into marriage, it can lead you into cheating. The same gravity that made you fall in love can pull you right back out. Fall in, fall out, it’s all falling. But the love of Christ calls us to rise.

And the amazing part is, when you choose to act on love because you’re married, the feelings will follow the actions. Try it. Next time you feel nothing, pick that moment to do something that you know speaks her love language. Buy flowers. Take her out. Get creative. Make a card out of some old pictures. No feelings required, just do it because God said so.

And watch what happens. The more time, thought, and yes - money, that you invest in her, the more you will feel those old fuzzy feelings of love. Jesus said something brilliant about this. In Matthew 6, he told us to store up our treasures in Heaven. And he explained:

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).

There is a phenomenal bit of insight there. Your heart follows your treasure. Whatever you invest yourself in, your heart moves in that direction. Not the stuff you have to do, what you choose to do. Your treasure. So invest in Heaven. And invest in your spouse.

One word of warning here. Be careful with the money part. If you use money to buy her love, that’s not love. But if you spend some money to invest your love - with no expectations - yeah, that can work. But use wisdom and balance. If it becomes about the money, you missed the point. The point is helping your heart let go it’s grip on money, and grab hold of your real treasure. Invest your treasure to lead your heart - toward God and toward your spouse.

Now there’s a lot more to say on love and how it works in marriage, including how a wife ought to love her husband. So we’re gonna take an extra day on this one. For now, let’s get to the discussion questions.

For Thought & Discussion:

Question 1: What is the difference between getting married because you’re in love, and giving love because you’re in marriage?

Question 2: Which is more important to you - the feeling of love or the action of love? And how do they work together in marriage?

And I’ll see you back here - next time.

Read Ephesians 5:33, 1 John 3:16-18, & Matthew 6:21

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.