The Heart Of Recovery By Deborah and David BeddoeSample

Day Four

The Cost of Love

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

What does “unbinding Lazarus” look like in recovery terms? It means we live in a tension between wanting to do what’s best and not knowing what that is. We waver between kindness and anger and walk a tightrope, trying so hard to do everything exactly right—fearful of making a mistake. 

We don’t want to be codependent or to enable because we’ve heard those things are bad. So we read books, go to seminars, support groups, and counselors—all good things. If we’re honest with ourselves, what we really want is a predetermined plan of action—a flowchart of if/then scenarios. And then, we stick obstinately with our plan because, whether we acknowledge it or not, applying “tough love” tactics can numb us to the heartache of being disappointed yet again. 

But if we are going to love sacrificially like Jesus, we have to be careful how strictly we apply those tough love guidelines. Accepting that we can’t control our loved one’s recovery doesn’t mean we should cut them out of our lives until they achieve the level of faithfulness and responsibility we wish they had.

Connection and empathy are vital to reconciliation. In our all or nothing, either/or society, we’ve lost sight of the individual, the person struggling with addiction. When we apply our “tough love” practices of shape up or ship out, it merely confirms the fear our loved one has that they are not enough on their own without drugs.

Compassion is not a formula. And it’s not bad. It’s biblical, emanating from genuine care and concern. But somewhere along the way, we’ve dismissed these biblical principles as ineffective in circumstances like addiction. Have we stopped encouraging love that endures, hopes, and believes because we think common sense should overrule? 

Rather than resulting in effective change for addicts in recovery, our application of tough love has evolved into intolerance for woundedness, weakness, and humanness. If we believe God restores people and relationships, we need always to come back to the hardest truths about love. Life-changing love can be messy. It costs us something. But it is always worth it.

God, I am often uncertain of how best to love [name]. I need your love in me and through me. I need your endurance, your hope, your faith. Amen.