Parenting With Heart By Stephen James And Chip DoddSample

Day 5

Ask the Relational Question

1 Thessalonians 2:11-12

The question we need to be asking as a parent is not “How am I doing?” as in looking for a grade, but “What am I doing?” as in looking toward ourselves to be who our children need. The first question is ego centered. The second question is relationally centered. “How am I doing?” is a perfection question. “What am I doing?” is a relational question, and it leads us to slide about on the ice. This question is really akin to “Who am I?” and “Who are they?” It’s far more curious, more open, more humble, more willing, more courageous, and more attractive because it leaves room for others to be themselves with us.

Giving up perfection sets us free to be interested in the life of another human being. Life is not just about us anymore. We slow down to be interested in the lives of our children, and we discover that they have great things to say, and they surprise us, and we discover again and again that they have incredible ideas about life that they are figuring out for the first time.

Once we accept that failure is not optional, that life is inescapably painful, that we have unfinished business, that we are wired for relationship, and that the best we get is that we are clumsy, we are less ashamed of ourselves. We less often try to undo our pasts through our children. We become increasingly free of the contempt of others. Once we accept that failure is inevitable, we can live on the ice, sometimes skating magnificently free and sometimes having to untangle from a clumsy spill with the people we love. We become free of our scripts and agendas, and the entire world opens up to us. We become free to accept our limitations and mistakes, victories and celebrations, because our grades no longer define us. Love defines us. We are defined by love and forgiveness, presence and truthfulness. We don’t try to pretend that we are someone we’re not.

Children with these kinds of parents know they’re loved. These parents will stay in the struggle of grief or celebration and live everything else in between. Their parenting is no longer about success and failure but about love and intimacy. 

Tell your children at least three things you love or appreciate about them that you haven’t told them before.