A Simple Guide to a Better Marriageنموونە

Making Decisions While Maintaining Unity

Sociologists and family counselors agree that one of the greatest problems in marriage is the decision-making process. Visions of democracy dance in the minds of many couples. But when there are only two voting members, democracy often results in a deadlock.

How shall we make decisions? I believe that the best example we have for decision-making among equals is God Himself. God is Trinity—Three who are One. This Trinitarian God has made countless decisions.

The biblical idea of the man as the “head of the woman” has perhaps been the most exploited concept of the Bible. Headship does not mean that the husband has the right to make all decisions and inform the wife what is going to be done. That is unthinkable if one looks seriously at the model of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

It is inconceivable that the Father would ever force the Son to do anything against His will. It is also unthinkable that a husband who followed this pattern would ever force his wife to do anything against her will. Headship does not mean dictatorship. Neither can we conceive of Christ “doing His own thing” without consulting the Father. Why then would a wife “do her own thing” without consulting her husband?

What, then, is the biblical pattern of decision-making? It seems to be a discussion of ideas and feelings—expressed in honesty and love—with the husband as the recognized leader. The objective is always oneness in our decisions. The Trinity knows perfect unity in every decision. As imperfect beings, we may not always be able to obtain the ideal, but that must always be our goal.

What about those times when we have each fully stated our ideas, and yet we cannot agree on a course of action? I suggest that if the decision can wait (and most of them can), then wait. While you are waiting, you and your spouse should be praying and seeking new information that may shed light on the subject. We should also talk with friends who have made similar decisions. We should seek to learn everything we can about the potential decision. After waiting, we will often find unity.

Many couples need to be reminded that they are on the same team.

Respond

Think about the last decision you made as a couple where you were not unified. Who made the final decision? How did the decision-making process affect your relationship? Looking back on the decision, was it the right one?