Restored: Transforming the Sting of Your Past Into Purpose for Todayনমুনা

Past Heartache, Present Empathy

Maybe you are struggling with the pain of unfair loss. Maybe the loss came because of someone else’s choices. Maybe you lost your family at the hands of a spouse who walked out. Maybe you lost your career at the hands of a coworker who lied about you. Maybe you lost a community of friends at the hands of someone whose insecurity caused them to gossip about you.

Here’s what I’ve learned about trying to survive the pain that comes with unfair loss.

My first instinct is to want justice. I want the person to pay for what they did to me. I want them to feel pain over the pain they caused me. I believe this feeling is valid and completely normal, but the problem is that it doesn’t serve me well. It doesn’t help me heal and move on. What I try to do when these feelings flood my mind is intentionally pause and reflect on how much I have needed to be the recipient of grace myself. I may not be ready to forgive, but I can acknowledge that I have made my fair share of mistakes.

I also want an apology. I want to hear them say they are sorry. I want them to realize the pain they caused me. I want them to find me and beg for my forgiveness. Do you know what I have found to be true more often than not about forgiveness? I don’t get to hear “I’m sorry” until I am at a point where I don’t need it to be healthy. A reminder that God was still working on that painful situation long after he helped me heal from it.

I’ve also learned that forgiving others heals you, not them. Sometimes forgiveness simply means you are giving up the hope of hearing them say they are sorry; you are giving up the hope for a better past and the need for answers or explanations they never gave you. Forgiveness is letting go of what is behind you and choosing to focus instead on the good things you have today.

Finally, I have learned that when we choose to transform the sting of past heartache into empathy for today, we find not only tremendous healing but also life-changing purpose and fulfillment.

Take time and talk with God about the pain or uncertainty of the losses you have experienced. What do you need from God? Ask Him for it. Start that conversation.